Penis Obsessed Shop-A-Holic Gets Stuck In Her Necklace

Again, I’m a part of two different blog hops. Fly on the Wall is where I talk about snippets of my life the last month as if you were a fly on my wall. And Finish the Sentence Friday’s prompt is  I thought I was going to die when… For November Mad hattery, check it out…

I thought I was going to die when I was wrestling around with this 300 pound black dude, and I was wearing a skirt, and because I didn’t want him seeing my panties because I wasn’t trying to lead him on or anything, I didn’t quite fight the way I normally would, so I basically lost. He had me laying on my stomach with my legs bending my back backwards where my knees were over my head, and then he sat on my legs. I thought for sure he was going to break my back and paralyze me. My life flashed before my eyes that day.

Now this is funny because I’ve been held up at gun point, ran in basic training beyond what i thought my body could handle, suffered migraines with vomiting while cleaning and handling the kids at the same time… I have been raped several times, and I’ve heard a creepy voice from the ceiling say, “I’m going to kill you.” None of those situations had me sweating in fear like the 300 pound black man.

Musings from a Fly on my wall

I invented the Blog Bomb Awards. This blog will be hosting it, and it features categories such as the Badass Blogger and the Julia Sugarbaker Award.

I’m giving my BloggingLearn.com blog a make-over.

I looked up Alaskan Pipeline in the urban dictionary. Basically you crap in a condom, freeze it, and then shove it in your woman’s mudpie hole during copulation. Shit like this makes me feel confident that my Freudian issues are not really issues at all. These people need Jesus and Dr. Freud and maybe a little Dr. Phil. My personal opinion is if you need a shit-filled condom to please your woman, you ain’t doing it right. If you need shitsicles to supplement your penis, you might consider trying some male enhancement products and purchasing a truck on over-sized tires.

Speaking of Freudian issues, I keep seeing dicks in the clouds. I swear every shape is a penis. It’s like I’m obsessed with sausage swords. If I watched Aladdin, I’d probably drool over all the buildings. It’s so bad, I have friends sharing pics on my Facebook wall of other Bobbitt Plunderage in clouds and auroras. I even dream about beaver-bashing beef-whistles more than I used to, and I’m starting to crave man-milk in ways my husband will soon appreciate. I think what happens is we have a secondary slut period instead of a mid-life crisis, and I’m on the brink of mine. It’s like our bacon-gliders are realizing, “Shit, it’s almost time for menopause, let’s have one helluva finale.” The second biological clock takes no prisoners.

And then there’s these…

I did some Christmas shopping. The kids know that due to economic hardship, Santa downsized his elves, so now moms buy toys to give him to give to the kids. What I did was, ok… I bought some things just to get started, like jewelry, as I see it on sale. Then I had a good happy stopping point planning to see what Black Friday loot I can muster, and then finish with sale products in between the clusterfucks of Holiday Corporate Madness. But this following story opened up my inner shop-a-holic I had been suppressing into a cage in the name of responsibility. My kids might be more spoiled than usual this year…

My grandfather decided to move into my mom’s house on a whim, like he didn’t give 24 hours notice. He paid a plumber to do some work, and the guy messed up his entire plumbing system. He can’t use any of his water, not even to shower. So my mom needed a bed last second, and I volunteered to buy it because I owe my mom hundreds of thousands of dollars from decades of, “Can I borrow 400 dollars til payday?” My grandfather is 96 years old. I’m thinking the man needs comfort more than anything, and I have these alternative down comforters that are one side normal cotton, and the other side, a plush fleece. I wanted one of those for him, but for a twin, in brown, and on sale. So I went to the department store looking for that expecting not to find anything close to it, but it doesn’t hurt to browse their options. When I walked in, these women approached me, “Would you like to buy a book of coupons for $5 for 4H?” Ok. Well, the book had coupons for alternative downs, $10 off any item, 30% off an item, and a few others. You could use as many coupons as you want (I ended up buying 6 books all together). Then the crap was on sale on top of it. I found Disney Princess Barbie dolls, normally 25 a pop… I paid 6 a piece. I also grabbed some clothes… and then crazy hit. I get to bedding, and that coupon for the down comforter was for a brand that was almost sold out. There were like 5 comforters, and the ONLY twin was half cotton, half cotton fleece, in tan, the exact color I wanted, on sale for $30. Shit like that is why I believe in God.

A random Facebook status:

So Gabby wanted to listen to number 5 on the Frozen CD, and Tyra number 10.

Me: Gabby put it on number 10 for Tyra

Gabby: It’s the same song.

Another Facebook status. I just typed it just now.

I just got a phone call from myself. Seriously, the phone rang, and then it said, “From [my cell phone number],” and I was like, “Who is that? That number sounds so familiar.” and then my profile popped up with my Facebook picture “Call from Michelle Grewe.” Then I was like, “That’s why that number sounds familiar. I know her. Wait. That’s me. How am I calling myself?” I didn’t answer it because I’ve seen Jet Li’s the One. She’s probably an alien clone from a different dimension. There can only be one. She’s probably trying to kill me for power. Either way, the fucking bitch didn’t leave a voice mail so I have no idea what she wanted. Maybe I should call her back and ask.

I came up with these amazing one liners…

Who you are now is only a part of who you really are. It’s part of the process of you becoming you.

Just because I think it, that doesn’t mean that’s what I think.

For more Finish the Sentence Friday, check out the hosts…

Kristi (Finding Ninee)
Lisa, our sentence thinker-upper (The Golden Spoons)
Jennifer (I’m Dancing In The Rain)

and for more Fly on the Wall, check out these badasses…

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                          The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                                   The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                          Follow me home

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                        Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                                 Battered Hope

http://dinoheromommy.com/                         Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                   Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                     Crumpets and Bollocks

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                          Juicebox Confession

http://www.risanye.com                                              Risa Nye

http://www.gomamao.com                                    Go Mamma O