Playing the Autism Card

I’ve seen many versions of the Autism Card on the internets. Some parents actually hand these out to people. For those who don’t realize, a common theme in the lives of parents of children on the autism spectrum is to take our kids in public, I know, gasp, and receive a very inviting welcome from the strangers of the world. By inviting welcome, I mean a bunch of dirty looks, criticism on our parenting skills, criticism of our children, and basic asshattery.

You can read one of my previous posts about that: Dear Dr. Phil Wannabes of Walmart. 

I don’t think people who intervene in that manner are ignorant of autism. I think they are mean people. They are just assholes. Think about it. Your kid is freaking out. You are almost in tears, kneeling down trying to tame your child while watching and handling the other kids. You obviously have things to do that is being interrupted with all this. Everyone is upset. Who the fuck approaches people in that kind of emotionally charged situation to insult people? That’s not a dumbass. That’s a total asshole. That’s a bully. They targeted you because you are having a weak moment.

And when they intervene with their ridiculous opinions, they really make the situation harder on the parent and the kid. It’s very common with autism or kids in general for kids to run off and/or do really stupid shit when they are upset or overly hyper. So when you distract the parent from the child in that kind of situation, it better be fucking important because you are risking that child’s safety when you do.
That type of threat deserves very little mercy. I used to just hit them with the grocery cart, or drop something on their foot, but since assault isn’t something I really want on my permanent record, I now have resorted to shenanigans and debauchery.

I’d rather just scream at them really loudly something random for everyone to hear and be like “What the fuck did they just say to you?” Here’s a list of some things I got for now, for the assholes who want to tell you how to parent. This is for the guy who says, “Control your kids.” Use them wisely because you never know when karma is going to strike back, or how it will….

  1. What? No I do NOT wish to buy a video of you fondling a goat!
  2. I’m sorry, I don’t know where they keep the hemorrhoid cream or the KY Jelly.
  3. Tylenol will not cure your Clap.
  4. The Diet Pills I think are over there in aisle 14. You better hurry.
  5. You know they have mouthwash here, as well as breath mints. You might want to add that to your list.
  6. Excuse you? I happen to like what the person over there is wearing.
  7. You cheated on your spouse with who?
  8. Three Hundred Dollars for Sex?
  9. Did you just call that guy a n-word? He just called you the n-word. Seriously. I just heard him say it.
  10. The people who work here are neither overpaid nor lazy, and they definitely do not deserve to go to hell.
  11. You want to do what with a cucumber?
  12. I don’t have any dimes or bags!
And my favorite for while the kid is melting down…
What did you just say to my kid to make him cry like that?
~~THESE ARE MY STORIES AND I’M STICKING TO THEM~~

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