My Inner Blunt Needs a Light

RainbowThe biggest influence in my life right now is in a transitional phase. I am completely redecorating my life because the curtains need to be brighter. I need more light.

And ooooh. There’s dust everywhere. When was the last time you cleaned up your life Michelle? Ew. What is this goo on your ego? Why on earth did you even purchase a Pine scented candle? Do you want your chakras to smell like a gas station bathroom? Who is your interior decorator? I can tell, by your emotions, he is not gay is he? You know the best interior decorators are gay and happy.

I mean, I’m not saying everyone has to wipe their feet before stomping on my heart, but maybe I’ve been using the wrong inspiration for my inner home. Maybe I’ve been listening to the wrong influences.

The wrong influence doesn’t necessarily have to be negative influences. There are many positive influences in my life that is wrong for me. That’s actually the problem.

I’m letting influencers influence my life. I should be letting the influenced influence my life.

I’m the one who has to deal with this life. My God has to deal with my after life. We should be the only influence on my life.

I decided to redecorate. Restructure the Proprietorship of Me.

I’m laying off the following people.

The best friend who knows me too well. I’m sorry, but you don’t. You do. But you don’t. Like you may know I am prone to procrastinate the cleaning of my house, but that’s not the only reason my house is a mess. You may know my crazy better than my shrink, but you don’t know my struggle. You may know my shoe size, but you aren’t wearing the shoes. Only I know how much those shoes hurt my feet. I’m the only one who can decide to change my shoes… to something with memory foam. Since I’m the one wearing them all day, I should have a say in what pair I put on. You are more than welcome to buy me some new shoes, but that doesn’t mean I have to wear them.

The husband. I love my husband. I always will. I do make sacrifices for him. I don’t get any appreciation for it. I actually get blamed for it somehow. But the point is, my husband has been my greatest support system in my every day life. He’s the only one here for me every day. He’s the only strong enough to lean on. But I find myself doing things he wants me to do, and not doing things because he won’t help make it more possible for me. I’m invalidating my own feelings in the name of making things easier on all of us. NO. Not anymore. I’m doing me. And you and the kids, but I’m doing me too.

My kids. I love them more than I have ever loved anyone, even the cats. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone more than I loved my cats. I find myself taking a Xanax and giving up because they broke my concentration so many times, I can’t think straight, or they fight so much I want to bash my head into a brick wall for comfort. I want them to be happy more than anything, but I need respect. I need them to listen to me. I need this because what I want, what I really want, is quality fun time with the kids without the headache. Without the screaming. The arguing with me. The fighting with each other. My time with them should not be a job. It should not feel like work. It should not suck all my energy and my life force from me.

My mother. The only person who makes me feel loved in this life is my mother. She is a saint in so many ways. She is so saint-like, when she does something devious, it’s still saint-like. She has been there for me more than anyone else. I call her when I need someone to talk to, when I have a problem, when I need advice, and, of course, when I need money. She’s there for me. BUT she doesn’t even have to criticize me anymore for me to hear it. It’s loud. In my face… Michelle screwed up. Again. She has changed. She doesn’t criticize anymore. She offers nothing but support because she knows that is what I need, but I can still hear her voice of the past judging me. I still feel all my work is invalidated in her life, even though she has taken more of an interest and pride in it for me. I still feel like a little girl with stupid ideas who needs to grow up and take care of her aging mother. I need to fire those feelings. Lay them off. Let them go.

My father. He passed away in 1999. He still influences me, and how? I never feel good enough for him. I don’t feel like any of my successes are successful enough to present to my father. I’m half the person he was. No. I’m not even halfway there. On my best day in my 37 years of existence, I wasn’t even halfway there. I know he loves me no matter what. I know he’s proud of me. But I still don’t feel good enough for him to claim. I don’t feel good enough for him to let me speak a sentence in front of his peers without worrying about what crap might fly out of my mouth this time.

My demons. I can love my demons. They have been with me every step of the way, enduring my pain with me. They know me better than anyone else except God, Himself. I don’t care if they are evil. They understand me. But I let them dictate my feelings too much. I give them my energy, and between them and the kids, I don’t have much left to get anything done. I don’t know how to stop the feeling of nausea and fatigue from hitting me, but I need to find a way to carry on despite it.

I realize as I list all the people I need to fire from being an influencer, it’s not their influence that is the problem. It’s how I allow them to influence me.

I realize, this whole time, the biggest influence on my life has always been myself.

Nothing is more empowering than realizing the entire time I didn’t know what I was doing, I was still the one doing it.

I was in charge the entire time. It didn’t feel that way, and that’s because I didn’t realize the power I had. I didn’t realize I was my own boss the entire time. I was answering to myself thinking I was answering to other people.

My problem isn’t who I let influence my actions, behaviors, decisions, or even feelings. My problem is who I let influence my perspective, perception and attitude. I need Jesus in my life. Point Blank. I can read the Bible, go to church, pray about everything all day long, but until I shine the light through my eyes, I’m not going to see any color. Everything is black, white and gray.

“Cold-hearted orb, who rules the night, removes the colors from our sight. Red is gray and yellow white, but only we choose which is right, and which is an illusion.”  What song is that from?

From God the Father’s standpoint, He wants me to do what I want to do. He wants me to make decisions that I want to make. He wants me to follow my heart. Grace gives me room to make bad decisions and mistakes. God will catch me if I trip. I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been listening to stupid stuff in my brain and letting that crap talk me out of following my heart. I’m a toddler learning how to walk, and God just wants me to walk, but I’ve been so afraid of taking a wrong step that I have stood in one spot too long, and my leg fell asleep. Now I gotta crawl a little more.

From God the Son’s standpoint, He sees beauty where I see ugly. He sees success where I see failure. He has more faith in me than I ever had in myself. If I could see myself through his eyes… If I could love myself the way He loves me…

From the Holy Spirit’s standpoint, the light will always shine in darkness. It doesn’t matter what I do, where I go, who I love, as long as I operate from my light, I can light up a dark room. I can be the light when others are afraid of the dark. I don’t have to fear evil, whether I’m walking in the snake pits of hell or down the Walmart aisle in pajama pants receiving evil glares from rednecks who have no room to talk about fashion… I can go to a party and not worry about driving drunk. I can basically go to hell without worrying about becoming evil. I can hang out with people who hate me, and still find love. Knowing that I don’t have to fear becoming someone I don’t want to be as a result of my decisions is empowering. Of course, I still have to operate from my light. That is the ONLY thing I need to worry about: is my heart in the right place? My body and my soul can be anywhere as long as my heart is in the right place.

What I have realized is that while my greatest influence has always been myself, my best influence is when I let God work through me. If you don’t believe in God, consider it a metaphor to positive things like love, grace, peace… When I look at war with a peaceful heart, I’m Obi Wan Kenobi: killing me only makes me stronger. When I look at fear with courage, I’m Helen Keller: a blind person who can make other people see. When I face sadness with happiness, I’m Pharrell Williams: Dancing down the street to my own music that people are sick of hearing. When I look at hate from a loving heart, I’m Jesus Christ: I will save you from my own wrath with sacrifice and forgiveness. When I look at ignorance with patience, I am like God: knowing you are ready to know something because you figured it out yourself.

Life is not a huge gray area. It’s not 50 shades of grey. It’s not black and white. It’s a fucking rainbow.

I’m like a blunt. I am blunt, but I’m like a blunt. I am a fat joint full of amazing marijuana, but I will never get high, nor will I get you high, without a light. But with that light, I not only am a much better influence for myself, I’m also a much better influence for you. An all natural one at that.

Oh shit. My curtains aren’t that drab, once you remove some of that dust.

BTW, Nights in White Satin. Moody Blues.

This is part of Finish the Sentence Friday.

Finish the Sentence Friday

Read some amazing writers finish the same prompt in different ways. We got some big hearts here. Good people.

 


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2 comments for “My Inner Blunt Needs a Light

  1. November 13, 2015 at 7:03 am

    “I’ve been so afraid of taking a wrong step that I have stood in one spot too long, and my leg fell asleep. Now I gotta crawl a little more.”

    So very, very, very much this. I keep doubting that I’m lovable, especially in my blatant disobedience of some of the things which I just *know* are wrong, but also not so wrong because of mitigating factors. Maybe. And that’s another reason I’m torn.

    BUT.

    Live the rainbow, and you’re right – our perspectives and attitudes count for SO much. I need to make sure mine stay good 🙂
    The legendary Considerer indescribably inscribed…Beating The OppositionMy Profile

  2. November 13, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    WOW Michelle, this is utterly awesome. Thank you so so much for co-hosting. You’re so right about us being our own biggest influences. And yeah, life is a fucking rainbow. I love that. xo

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