Marty McFly and Doc Brown’s DeLorean are giving me a ride, and we’re traveling to the date of December 15, 2007. They are dropping me off on their way to see Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony’s first performance, something I would love to have seen, but like everything else in motherhood, something I’d sacrifice to the mother gods who be.
I think everyone on Facebook at some point has had a meme ask themselves if they could go back in time to change something in their life, what would that be? What would you change about your past? And I used to put, “Nothing.” No regrets.
Actually, I do have one. At the risk of a paradox in the time-space continuum, I’d have Doc Brown take me to when Solma was born. That’s when it started. When the chaos of motherhood turned into mayhem.
If I had the power, I would seriously go back in time to help me be a mom. I had no help back then. I really needed it.
I would help me with the kids, cooking and cleaning
I can remember needing someone to watch the kids (toddlers at the time) long enough to let me pee while the stove was on. That day I peed myself and kept cooking like it didn’t happen. After everyone had dinner, I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself off. If I could go back in time, I’d keep an eye on the kids so that the other me could go pee.
I would tell myself to blog immediately
Yeah, I kind of missed out on the huge blogging bubble before the pop. I got the tail end of it, and transferring names and platforms kind of killed me. I think if we got both kids in bed now that I know how to get them to sleep, we could totally come up with some kick ass blogs together. Just me and myself telling bad joke after bad joke to each other.
When I had a decent paying job, I could have kept it
With my help, we could have flipped flopped between writing and kid chasing and kept that job. Since I already know everything that is about to happen after I quit my job, I could prepare for it.
I would have stopped me from going to Puerto Rico that one year.
It took me a minute to put two and two together. I was always prone to bad headaches when I had a headache, but they were manageable. After my sister-in-law punched me in the face smack dab on my sinuses causing all of my sinus cavities to swell up for a week, that’s when a constant sinus infection ensued with migraines 5 days of the week. If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself to cut off his sister. Never see her again. Keep the mind migraine free.
I could have been my own BFF
Like I was so lonely that facebook was my only place to socialize for a long time. Having children scared off all my friends. It was as if they didn’t want to babysit so bad they stopped hanging out with me all together in an attempt to avoid babysitting returns of favors. Like I could go to the club with myself and tell everyone the old woman version of me is my older sister.
I’d help my marriage
Yes it would be hard on Rafa because then he’d have 2 women to pay for and rub feet, but the me now me knows how to handle Rafa better than the me then me, so I would probably help my marriage. It would just be hard to forgive him for things he didn’t do yet because they are still memories to me.
I’d help Prevent Solma’s Weight Issue
I could be the reassurance I was looking for when I wanted to ditch the nurse practitioner’s bad advice and follow my gut. But since I haven’t traveled back in time yet, I listened to my mother and best friends tell me I don’t know better than a nurse with half my IQ because I never went to Medical School (neither did she, but that’s beside the point). So that’s why Solma is overweight. I listened to the wrong person on how to feed her as a baby. I could right that wrong and prevent a lot of playground bullying.
I’d have time to hold my kids more, in ways I can remember better
I’d just sit there and hold my babies. I have no memory of doing this with Solma or Annabelle because I was too overwhelmed and sleep deprived. When I see babies now, I think I’m getting that itch to hold a newborn again, and then I realize, I don’t want a baby. I want my babies.
Problems I got to Figure Out
I have a lot of little things to think about to make this McFly Fly. For one, I didn’t have health insurance for most of that time. I need it now since I take so many crazy meds at night, and my migraines are more frequent than they were in 2007.
Then there’s things like Photoshop. If I were with myself, I’d be tempted to let the me-now do all the photo editing since I know the software better, and then the me-then would never learn it making the me-now get dumber and dumber without realizing it. I’d have to set time aside to teach the me-then how to photoshop and other things I learned over time so I don’t lose learning those things by accident. I don’t know if I trust the me-now with this. The me-then was much more dependable, but she wouldn’t know what the me-now knows to know what I need to learn. This might be a paradox that could destroy the world.
But I wouldn’t need a photograph to make sure I did things right. Instead, I would be my photograph. Things about me that would change to let me know I’m doing it right:
- I’d lose weight
- I’d remember what day it is
- I could recall information better
- I’d stop noticing spirits in the spirit world
- I’d enjoy cleaning and cooking better
- My migraines would go away
Then I’d live with myself happily ever after as a lesbian couple.
I’d take a good 10 years off my life, and that’s what would make me wonder if 10 years of the future is worth trading for the past, and then I’d wonder if I should just go check out the 9th symphony real quick instead. Bring the kids. Have a family night.
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