How to Get an Awesome Job (the secret is revealed in truth)

Welcome to another installment of Finish the Sentence Friday. At the end is a link to a place with normal people who write beautiful shit answering the same prompt.

Finish the Sentence Friday

My first job was at a department store called Stone and Thomas. I worked seasonal for two years in a row (junior and senior year in high school) decorating the Christmas Store and then in gift wrap. Our signature deal was all bows were handmade. While gift wrap was free with purchase, we handmade bows for atop the tree for $50.

The skill actually came in handy in, of all places, the Air Force. Squadron faced squadrons on a Christmas tree decorating contest with all the trees being donated to needy families. Mine only won 2nd place because 1st place wrote a cheesy, rhyming poem and made it the centerpiece of the tree, but mine was definitely the prettiest tree in the bunch, and the only one that looked like it belonged in a department store (because it did).

I’ve been meaning to do a youtube video tutorial on handmaking bows, and I probably will this winter, so be on the look-out for that awesome. You can subscribe to my youtube channel for future DIY with cleavage and spirit voices. I also make ridiculous play lists.

Some pictures of MY trees at home…

See. You can make bows like that easy.

You should sign up for my newsletter to make sure you don’t miss the how-to in case youtube isn’t your thing (it’s not mine either).

But most of my life, my best experience did not come from jobs.

  • In high school, I threw a prom fashion show.
  • I modeled in a few local bridal shows.
  • I sold ads and wrote articles for my high school and college newspaper.
  • I helped my dad like an intern for a few years, selling radio ads and coordinating corporate events.
  • I helped my friend Frank run the Senior News, in all facets of publishing including the really awesome travel to conventions.

See, that shit totally beats…

  • Burger Queen at Burger King
  • Clerk at Speedway (I’m not even supposed to be here today)
  • Telemarketing (the position is really called AntiChrist Representative)
  • Serving (but at the Polo Club, Gene let me kick people out, that was fun)
  • Bookkeeper for a certain Printing Press (it was a shit job. Dude was expending assets and depreciating expenses with 3 different cash balances and no bank rec in over 5 years… previous bookkeepers included a nut job woman who is bad at math and a meth head).

But it brought me to places like…

  • NonProfit Accounting, by the time I left, I did all Comptroller duties.
  • Graphic Artist for the paper
  • Regional Manager for tax offices
Office Politics Superstore.
Office Politics Superstore.

Of course, nothing prepared me better for motherhood than the United States Air Force.

Most of my employment history entails being hired because “nice tits,” and getting fired because “put out or get out…” proving yet again that experience, skills and job ability do not matter. It’s who you know and how good you look, and if you want to keep a job, how well you can follow rules and kiss ass (or suck things). This is why public education could remove all forms of education and still be a great place to prepare the youth for the workforce. #TrueStory

Butt Entrance Kissing Ass Looking for Employment

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you, when you tell me you had this awesome job that makes you superior, I’m not assuming you are better than me. I’m assuming you are a better whore than me.

All right, now check out how other people finished this prompt…




  1. You've had a bunch of interesting jobs! Sounds like you've learned a lot from most of them, including what to stay away from as well as what you'd like to keep doing. Wonderful trees -- they really do look like works of art! You have a great talent for making them beautiful.

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