Top story of the morning!
Despite Michelle’s attempts at helicopter parenting, Annabelle has officially learned how to tie her shoes. The laziness that free range parenting offers is not only an enticing temptation to an old, tired soul like Michelle, but also, it just sort of happens occasionally for her without intention. In this case, a series of “In a minute”s paved the way for the child to run at large and learn something on her own.
In other news…
Helicopter parenting turned into a serious train wreck when Annabelle (Michelle’s youngest daughter) bribed Michelle into letting her be a busser (Wood County BOE’s Official Word for kids who ride the bus to school).
Previously, Michelle would never let her kids ride the bus because of reasons.
- The bus drivers are not safe drivers (they drive way too fast, have you not seen Mean Girls?)
- Children are unsupervised
- The bus-stop for her kids in particular is in an unsafe situation all together
- Michelle looks like a real mom when she drives her kids to school
But when Michelle visualized that she would no longer have to leave the house to drop off and pick up kids, she had a sudden change of heart. She would no longer have to change her clothes to hide the fact that she didn’t shower that day. She would no longer have to be forced into chin-wagging with conventional pearl-clutchers gasping at her vulgar inappropriateness. She would no longer have to witness the scowls of a thousand holier-than-thous piercing through her self-esteem every time she dared to disturb the universe with her imperfection. She would no longer have to worry about the disgrace of wearing fuzzy pajama pants that feature the cookie monster’s face across the buttocks. Michelle begrudgingly acknowledged that it’s possible the school bus could be just as gratifying as the first day of school.
Yay! Cheers to Michelle!
However, Michelle faced an unforeseeable challenge: she had no idea when the bus arrives, so she, like any cyber mom in the 21st Century googled it, and Wood County’s Bus Route’s PDF says that the bus starts its route at 7:45 AM and arrives at the school at 7:43 AM.
- The children will now be learning time travel
- This further proves to Michelle that the buses drive way too fast
- Common core math at its finest
Michelle attempted to calm her hyperbolic flapdoodles about the bus driving at such high speeds by reminding herself that the kids are all safely buckled. Instantly, she remembered something: The school buses do not utilize seat harnesses. The kids are not buckled by anything more than the Grace of God.
Way to go Separation of Church and State!
Time dilation and Spirit Buckles weren’t the only thing on Michelle’s mind. Within minutes of the children leaving the house, a slew of ungodly what-if’s came crashing through her gooey brain like the Kool Aid man…
- What if they miss the bus? And then they just stand there for an hour? I’d have no idea if they missed the bus. They could stand there all day, I wouldn’t know.
- Oh, what if they then attempt walking to school on their own? Then get lost?
- What if the bus drives slightly off the curve and the driver quickly jabs the steering wheel over and causes it to flip?
- What if they start playing in the road and a driver turns that bend at 60 mph and not see them until it’s too late?
- What if a kid that looks like Biff from Back to the Future starts bullying them?
- What if some girl with daddy issues sits next to them? And then they have an unsupervised conversation?
- What if a stranger offers them candy from a white van with all the windows suspiciously covered?
- What if one of them falls down that hill and breaks an arm?
- What if they encounter a copperhead? OMG, what if they get bit by a copperhead?
- What if they start fist fighting and one hurts the other really badly?
- What if the ice cream man rolls by? [Closes eyes] I sent them with no cash!
No more are the minutes of slothy glory! Michelle has been marked by the worry beast. Again.
Helicopter parenting, the sinister type of parenting fueled by preoccupations of irrational fears condemned by shrinkological parenting experts, was not properly administered by Michelle. Free-range parenting took down that helicopter by force with just one cunning bribe. The results are devastating.
Michelle urges the general public to be cautious about accepting bribes from your children. “When my daughter bribed me with attendance in lieu of dubbing her a busser, I didn’t realize the cost would be in the currency of anxiety and stomach knots. These kids are not disclosing the hidden fees in the fine print. They are ripping us off. Shady business practices should not be tolerated, especially with a 6 year old.”
Michelle is recovering from her panic attack and is expected to return to reality before lunch. She still has no idea if the kids are even at school.
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