Driving down the road in the dark, I look in my side mirror at the car behind me. Keep driving, look again. He’s following pretty close. I wonder if he’s a cop. Keep driving. Look again. That has to be a cop. Keep driving. Look again. No. That’s not a cop. Quit being so paranoid. Keep driving. It’s got to be a cop. Is it a cop? (squints eyes looking for light bumps on the roof of the car). I look forward as the light turns yellow. No time to stop because the guy behind me is following too close to slam on my brakes. I run the red light, and yep. That was a cop. Now you know how to tell at night if it’s a cop or not.
So then I pull over. Wait. Wait. Wait.
I was out at like midnight because I went out to get my dinner, and my day kind of sucked, but it really didn’t, but I felt like suckage anyway. I really was being a big whiny ass baby, but sometimes you just have to have that moment….
Rafa took the girls outside to play and flew Gabby’s $80 toy airplane Christmas gift on the roof. With Gabby in tears and Rafa freaking out about breaking her little heart, he was determined to go to the store to buy her a new one. As the girls were brushing their hair to leave, Rafa and I were talking about things, and I was like, “Let’s do movie night tonight. I can make or get some good dinner.”
“Yeah. Do you want me to pick up the Minions movie while I’m at the store? Or do we want to get it on the Xbox?”
“Let’s do Xbox because we can put them on thumb drives.”
While Rafa was at the store, I crunched numbers with upcoming bills, and then realized I can’t get the thing I really want anytime soon because I promised the girls a trip to Splash Lagoon. Like I had just remembered that promise. So basically, I watched my dreams die with a ridiculous $450 water bill, a $350 cable bill, and a trip to Splash Lagoon.
So that was depressing in of itself because hopes went up and down.
About 8:00, I was worried about it being too late for a movie and dinner. I called Rafa. “Where are you?”:
“At the mall. We are eating dinner.”
It’s one thing to get stood up by some jackhole you barely know. It’s another to get stood up by your husband and 3 kids.
So I laid down in depressed defeat and had a dream where some creepy looking guy stalked me, then some black shadows were trying to find me, but wherever I was, I got to enjoy seeing the Death Star as the moon. Either way, I woke up tired and slightly confused, and VERY HUNGRY.
I pointed out to Rafa how he basically stood me up, and he apologized profusely. He wasn’t trying to be a jerk. He’s just a man, and that’s the sort of thing they do. I told him I was going out to find me some dinner, and like all the men who do man things, “Can you get me something too?”
11:30 PM, I go out to obtain said food, and nothing available at that hour sounded as good as my Outback/Olive Garden combo idea I had going earlier. And by then, because the only thing I had all day was a sandwich, I had really bad gas cramps.
I drove through Burger King. Driving back home, I was thinking about how lonely I am despite being surrounded by people, and then I cried over a stupid song on the radio. I know it sounds ridiculous and lunatic-laced, but as a song began, a song I normally would change the station over because it sounded like a guy whining, and I can’t stand listening to a man whine about some girl, I got this feeling God wanted me to hear it. Random feeling. It was just touching. My emotions are crazy anyway with my new meds… But some of the lines were reassurance word-for-word with stuff I’ve been praying about lately.
At this point, I was hungry, exhausted, and in pain, from of all things, stuck farts, but despite all that, because of God, I was feeling incredibly hopeful until the flashing lights came barreling into my “Everything’s going to be ok,” like the Kool Aid man with a chain saw.
The cop walks up to my window, “Excuse me mam. You just ran a red light and I saw you throw a cigarette out of your window a while back too.”
I calmly, softly say, “Yeah. I did those things.”
“Can I have your driver’s license?”
I reached over to my right quickly for my wallet without thinking, and then I hesitated and slowed down abruptly as I looked at the cop wide-eyed and at his hand in fear I was going to get shot reaching for my wallet because the internet. I hand him my license…
“Is everything Ok mam?”
I could hear his concern like I was trying to hide something in the tone of his voice, so I decided it best to change the subject. I spoke softly and calmly, “Yeah, I was driving… well… Ok. I have a weird habit of paying as much attention of the road behind me as I do in front of me. I saw a car behind me…”
“Yes, I’ve been behind you for quite some time.”
Realizing that means he also saw me go 55-60 mph during the 25 mph curves and then slow down to the speed limit of 40 when the road straightened out, I calmly continued, “I know. I saw you for a while. What I didn’t see was the guy who just passed you in the right lane. I was wondering where he came from when I looked forward and saw the yellow light. I didn’t have time to stop, so I went straight through.”
“It was yellow for quite some time, you had time to stop.”
“Yes, except I didn’t notice it was yellow until right before it turned red because I was checking my mirrors. I didn’t want to chance slamming on my brakes with you behind me, and nobody was waiting for the light. It was safer.”
“Well it’s illegal to run a red light.”
Mind you, I’m still speaking so softly and calmly like a moment before death, “I know. Rules are put there for safety, and sometimes the safest route doesn’t follow the rules.”
He nodded. “Have you been drinking?”
“No. Not a drop.”
“Are you on any medications?”
“Yes. I took my morning pill this morning.”
“Are you allowed to drive on those medications?”
“Are you sure?” He asked like he assumes I am overdosing on Xanax or something…
“It’s an amphetamine.”
“An amphetamine? You mean the one that makes you jittery hyper?”
“Yes.” He did a double take, and I continued, “Why? Do I appear hyper?”
Blank look on his face, “No. Definitely not.”
He goes to his car. I search for Registration and Insurance. He returns and hands me my license, and I say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t find my registration and insurance. I just got the vehicle inspected, and I put them somewhere so I wouldn’t lose them, so now I can’t find them.”
“You won’t need that. Here’s your license. Drive safely. Ok?”
So then I go to the gas station. I have severe flatulence cramps going. I know I’m about to sound sexy here, but I felt a fart approaching. I backed into a clothing rack of t-shirts to muffle any sound, so I giggled at myself as I walked forward, and some 20 year old boy mistook that giggle for flirting and starting giggling back at me as his friend dragged him out of the store. I have to remember to turn OFF my swag.
I get home, and my COLD burger didn’t have cheese on it. So, I had Mallow Cups for dinner while watching the first half of Braveheart. A hairy, half-naked Mel Gibson in a kilt bludgeoning people in the name of a lost love was strangely therapeutic.