Derka Derka Team Hobo Epic Fail

Welcome to another installment of Finish The Sentence Friday where a bunch of bloggers get together and work off the same writing prompt creating unique blogs of awesome. I read through most, if not all, the blogs every time we do this, and I’m not disappointed. These writers are talented, intelligent, and compassionate. Check them out if you get a chance (link to the linkup at the end of this post)…

Finish the Sentence Friday

Whenever I hear the term Epic Fail, I think of the time when… Well. Shit. I know I’ve failed on epic scales on a regular basis most of my life, and for whatever reason, I’ve blocked them out of memory.

Epic Fail. A fail that’s epic… here goes…

My husband was in the Air Force. I had gotten out and served as spouse at this point. I was managing tax offices. My hubs’ car was broken down, so we shared a vehicle. He calls me, “I’m at the dental clinic and will need a ride back to the shop.”

Fine. I’m the manager. I can leave whenever I want. But I have a crap ton of work to do… right?

So I get on base, and I notice we were in Exercise Mode. That’s when the military plays reindeer games pretending we are in a war scenario for training. The issue with exercise mode is during the day, the base changes security levels, and in my history at that base in those exercises, they keep you in delta for most of the day. When in Delta, you treat the base as if it’s under attack. Nobody is allowed to leave a building in Delta. I couldn’t risk being stuck on base all day and lose my job over a stupid exercise.

Only problem is this was back when digital cell phones first came out, and our analog phones didn’t work on base. So I had no cell phone to call. So, I called the Dental Clinic and explained the situation. “I just need to pick up my husband and take him to his shop, and I work a civilian job, I can’t risk being held up all day and not be able to leave the building. Are we in Delta?”

“Yes. You won’t be able to leave the building once you enter it.”

Historically, when we did exercises, we stayed in Delta through most of the duty day, sometimes longer. Sometimes they kept it going for 4 hours after we were supposed to go home. So I asked, “Is there any way you can find my husband and let me speak to him?”

“No. HIPAA.”

“Well, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I need to talk to him. The only methods of communication would risk getting me fired or you handing him the phone. Can you at least confirm if he’s even there?”

“No. HIPAA.”

“Well, what if you find him and give him a message for me telling him I’m on the phone if he wants to speak to me.”

“Can’t. HIPAA.”

“Look, I’m familiar with HIPAA. You can’t tell me about his medical records. That’s it. I’m not asking anything medical. You don’t have to tell me if he’s there. You don’t have to tell me anything. Just tell HIM that his wife is on the phone.

“No. I’m not going to look for your husband. You will have to come in the building. Because HIPAA”

“Is there any way I can be exempt from the exercise as a civilian?”

“No.”

For 20 minutes, I haggled. Begged. Pleaded. Every minute, they raised their voice more. I asked if they’d send him outside. If they could tell me if he was even done to pick him up… They were downright nasty at some point, which figures. The medical squadron was the embarrassment to the Air Force on that base.

At one point, I was like, “If I have to go into that building to find my husband, I will be leaving regardless of the exercise.” And they responded, “OH NO YOU WON’T….” I was like, “What are you going to do? Force me to stay at gunpoint?” Yes they would. And they had no problem screaming, cussing and telling me so. I think they wanted to kill me over the phone.

Finally, really upset, in tears, I got off the phone.

I called my husband’s shop and explained the situation, and they had no idea where he was. I told them he was probably at the dental clinic, and if they ever get out of Delta, could someone go give him a ride back to the shop. They agreed.

I get home from work. Apparently, the dental clinic thought I was a terrorist in the exercise. They thought I was pretending all that to try to talk them into doing something they weren’t allowed to do as part of the exercise. My husband was in the waiting room during the conversation, and heard everything from their end thinking to himself, “I feel sorry for that guy; his wife is going to be pissed.”

Epic Fail.

Because I was in the Air Force stationed on that base and most people in my squadron knew me, the gossip traveled fast. When I went to pick my husband up from work, I was greeted with, “Derka Derka Mohammed Jihad!” In fact, it became a joke. That’s how people greeted me frequently from that point on. I finally embraced it and was like, “Derka Derka bitches!”

Epic Fail

This happened to my husband last night. He would be Alvarez. The writer would be an engineer.

 

I Facebook searched my name and the word, “fail.” I didn’t know I could do that until now. Searching through statuses of mine with the word fail in it, I realized I say, “Without fail,” a lot. Probably too much. But I did strike gold…

Yes I wrote this. I don’t know why I wrote this. But I wrote this…

April 1, 2014
AKA April Fools Day

Vaguebooking is fun I might get used to it. Anyway, if you are one of those people who don’t like me, you are adorably cute by the way to not like someone like me, but anyway, I’m thinking of starting a class for people who don’t like me. Y’all suck at the insults, back handed compliments, and gossip. You need some mad skillz. I don’t normally do things like that to people, but I am an expert at criticizing myself and I got better dirt on me than you do, so if you really want it, let me know. I’ll start with some good stuff here…

1. I got kicked out of college for possession of marijuana. The gossip was I slept with the entire football team and was pregnant with twins. No, only the QB and FB (that’s full back, not facebook, and he could bench press twice my weight if that tells you how awesome the experience was). Nevermind that I volunteered my time to tutor some redshirts.

2. My house gets messy pretty bad. In fact, I make Roseanne look like June Cleaver. It’s really because I am so arrogant about my intellect that I think I’m too good for housework. How sad is that? Even more sad, usually the only people who have issues with this are people whose houses I’ve cleaned and kids I babysat a lot. You can probably hook up with my mother in law and talk for days about how I suck in this realm. Can you believe I gave the kids a chocolate milkshake for breakfast? Like shitty mom alert with that.

3. I wrote a bad check before. One I tried to pay back but they don’t have a record of it. The other I did pay back and they still let me write checks. One I wrote after watching someone pay off a bad check thinking to myself, “What kind of person writes a bad check?” Instant karma.

4. I am in debt up to my eyeballs in student loans for a college degree I never finished.

5. I have dimples on my butt when I suck in my muscles. A lot of dimples. They are not cute. It looks like a raisin. OMG, that’s a nickname you can give me. Raisin Butt.

I have a lot more dirt. Sign up for the class if you need it. You probably do because I am so one of those appearances can be deceiving type of gal. I’m pretty cool with my flaws and fears and insecurities so really, you can take a baseball bat to this stuff and I really wouldn’t give two shits. I’m a bum, and I have bum pride. Team Hobo.

I can’t tell which is more of an epic fail. Number 1 or number 5. I think 5 is the epic fail in that list.

 

WVU Mountaineers Dingle Berry

Go Mountaineers! Beat Pitt!

 

For more Finish the Sentence Friday, check out Finding Ninee. 

 

 

Comments

comments

10 comments for “Derka Derka Team Hobo Epic Fail

  1. January 23, 2015 at 10:57 am

    oh wow…I would be beyond hysterical and irate too! OMG…there really are no words for the nonsense they put you through.

    Raisin butt…I have that too and my house becomes a quarantine zone in between the two weeks that he house cleaner comes….
    The legendary karen indescribably inscribed…Epic Fail OR Epic WinMy Profile

  2. January 23, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    I loved the first part of your story! Reindeer games and terrorists, – you’ve lived quite the life Michelle!

  3. January 23, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    LOL!!! Well first off, how do you search through fb statuses? I don’t know you could. Oh you had me going with the terrorist story! Wow. I’ve never heard of that happening. I’m a military spouse (retired now). I’ve had a rental car searched – I felt like i was being pulled over a frisked but that was the extent of that.
    The legendary kenyagjohnson@yahoo.com indescribably inscribed…I’m going in…My Profile

    • January 23, 2015 at 2:21 pm

      Yeah, I didn’t know about the Facebook search until yesterday when I wrote that post. In the search box where you’d type the name of someone or a page you know and it gives you options, if you type your name on Facebook and a word, hit the magnifying glass, you’ll get your statuses with that word.

      And yeah, I’ve been thoroughly searched before at the gate as both spouse and active duty. One day, I drove off base at like midnight for a pack of smokes. I get to the corner gas station not even a block off base. A cop gets behind me in line, named Duffy. I remember his name tag. He saw me ask for cigarettes, 2 packs. I get in the car, drive back on base before he can even finish buying his snuff, dude at gate wants to search my car. He said it was because the cops at the gas station saw me smoking something, and they weren’t sure what it was. I was like, “I wasn’t smoking at the gas station. They saw me buy cigarettes. They never saw me smoke anything.”

      Another time, I was 3rd trimester pregnant. Spouse. I’m from West virginia, and our cars in this state have to be inspected every year. Well, I couldn’t find someone to do a WV inspection in Wyoming, but I kept my car registered in WV with my mom’s address by adding her to the title so I wouldn’t have to switch states all the time. The law says I have to get the car inspected based on the state I’m in, and since Wyoming had no inspection requirement, I didn’t need one. So my inspection sticker was 2 years over due. I go to drive on base, and the cop thinks the inspection sticker is my registration, and he thinks it’s expired. He asked for my registration, and I was like, “It’s on a pile of papers underneath that huge bin in the back seat my husband put in the car. I am not allowed to lift the bin with the pregnancy.” He urged that he needed the registration or I can’t get on base. I asked him to look at the license plate. The sticker has the registration year, and the beginning number on my plate determines the month with 1-9 being January – September, and then O, N, D for October, November, and December. I told him it’s on his poster they have hung up in the little building behind him and on the poster in the building where you sign in to get on base. He refused to acknowledge the poster or understand registration for WV. I then asked if he wouldn’t mind moving the bin for me, and he wouldn’t. I ended up pulling over where you register to get on base, tried to move the bin myself a few times but it was just too heavy and I felt the muscles in my tummy doing things that weren’t right, called my husband and had him send an airman from his shop to come move the stupid bin so I could drive on base.

      When I was giving birth, I was at the hospital. At home on base, we had a car in front of our house parked against the flow of traffic. We got like 8 tickets in a row for that car, like the cop went by every hour to add another ticket. With that many tickets, my husband lost base driving privileges for 30 days.

      I can vouch from basic, they take the lowest ASVAB scores of the bunch and put them in military police. It’s more than obvious that’s what they do when you get to other duty stations.

  4. January 23, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    The Dingle Berry photo — too funny. And my rear looks lots better in tight black capris than au natural. So disappointing.
    The legendary jamie@southmainmuse indescribably inscribed…Pink Flamingos and Epic Fails.My Profile

  5. January 23, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    YIKES to the dental clinic story – I’d have been SO mad!! Once, I went to pick up my boyfriend at the time on an AF base. I’d had my dog in the car earlier that day and for whatever reason I got chosen for a search. So they get this huge german shepherd sniffing in my car and the guy’s like “he smells something” and I’m like “um, probably my dog? see? there’s dog hair all over???” I think it took them like 30 minutes to be sure I wasn’t transporting whatever it was they suspected!
    That thing about the facebook status search is cool! Off to try it now!
    The legendary Kristi Campbell indescribably inscribed…Epic Failures Before Facebook and Smart PhonesMy Profile

  6. January 24, 2015 at 2:03 am

    Seriously dying here! I don’t know which is funnier, but I do know that I would have backed you up if you had gone all Delta on their asses!

    And I totally admire your FB post. Oh the things the things I could teach……
    The legendary Jen Kehl indescribably inscribed…Next Year I’m Going to Be on the Christmas CardMy Profile

  7. January 24, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    Thanks for sharing some great epic fails! I don’t think that the housekeeping stuff counts as an epic failure — too many of us live in that zone! But the Air Force fails; now those are fun to read! On the whole, though, I’d say that you are proud of your time in the AF, even though you did NOT get along with with the 3P0X1.
    The legendary Anna Fitfunner indescribably inscribed…The Ultimate Pinterest Party, Week 35My Profile

  8. January 24, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    I love that you OWNED the “fail” on base, kudos to you!
    If we can’t laugh at our “fails” – well life isn’t worth living.
    The legendary Mardra indescribably inscribed…Love, Luck, and Epic FailMy Profile

  9. January 27, 2015 at 11:40 am

    Raisin butt it is! So glad you are raisin butt and not a terrorist (and what a story).
    The legendary Allison indescribably inscribed…On Epic FailsMy Profile

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