Today is July 4th. My migraine, well she’s a bitch, and my kids, well they got hungry for some strange reason around dinner time. So I did what any mother of 3 with a migraine would do, I made a gluten free all organic dinner of fresh vegetables… I’m kidding. We went to McDonalds. Even better… Gabby wanted a Baker’s Dozen of Chocolate Chip cookies for dinner, and I’m letting her have it without argument because migraine.
I sent Gabby down to Jennifer’s, and I grabbed Solma and Annie (barefoot) and we took off for the McDonalds. I wasn’t barefoot. The kids were. It’s totally illegal to drive barefoot in the state of all states, West By God Virginia: Barefoot and pregnant capital of the United States.
Annie and Solma fought the whole way there. First they fought over the front seat, and then that Solma kept leaning the seat back. Annie couldn’t sit on the other side of the back seat because she has preferences, and she wanted Solma to put the seat upright. I slammed on my brakes, screamed at them incoherently, and got back on the road. This is important. Boring, but you must know that I had a migraine. A flaming migraine. And my kids were being little shits.
So I ordered which took two centuries and a day to do because Annie wanted to see all the toys. Again, I yelled at her incoherently and finished the order.
Oh, I almost forgot. Mind you, today to tackle this migraine, I attempted 2 Aleve (under my tongue) at noon, a Tylenol 3 (with Codeine) at 2, and 4 Motrin and a Claritin at 6. I still have a bad migraine. It’s not even manageable at this point. It went away for 10 minutes until the kids broke out into a fist fight.
So I pull up to get my food. Chillin in the McDonald’s Drive thru dancing to JLo and Ja Rule’s I’m Real, and in the background, I hear, “Hurry the fuck up.” Huh? Did the guy behind me just scream? A few minutes passed, and I saw him scream with his hands waving in the air, “What the fuck is taking so long?” A minute later, he sticks his head out the window and screams, “Hurry the fuck up.”
I stuck my head out the window while chewing my 100% Beef Nut Cheeseburger, and I screamed, “What the fuck do you want me to do? I’m not making the food!”
Now in his defense, it was a long wait. A Baker’s Dozen of Chocolate Chip cookies usually takes about 5 minutes, and usually they have me pull forward to wait on it.
He then said, “Hell you took 10 minutes to order.”
I then said, “I have a migraine and 2 kids in the car driving me crazy.”
He said something back, and I interrupted him with, “Why don’t you wiggle around that stick up your ass and amuse yourself for a minute.”
At that moment, I started laughing, not only at the words that just flew out of my mouth, but because I also inhaled half my cheeseburger I was chewing on. I fucking hate it when you start choking in the middle of cussing people out.
By this time, McDonalds Drive Thru noticed something was awry. They opened the window with a big smile like that’s going to do anything at this point. He kept screaming and cussing.
So I screamed, “Dude you need to smoke some weed or something for that anxiety.”
The McDonalds person’s mouth dropped and the guy behind her caught his mouth from laughing as he turned around and walked away. I told her he was fucking crazy. Then I stuck my head out the window and screamed, “Dude you are fucking crazy!”
She handed me the cookies instantly, and I looked in my rear view mirror as I drove off, and the dude was laughing so hard, he could barely pull forward.
Patience. It’s a virtue.
Humor. Slap that on people without virtue.