Breast Feeding in Public. Yay or Nay?

I normally try to avoid topics in the mom wars realm because I honestly think the petty mom wars that ensue from such controversy diminishes the credibility of women trying to be equal in a man’s world, but I have a unique perspective on this one, and I hope it will inspire others to be just as uniquely awesome as me.

The problem with breast feeding in public is that our saline noobs are bonerizers. They’re sexy. And the sexiness somehow pisses people off.

Of course, as a mom, there’s nothing sexy about teeth grinding down into our sensitive, swollen Lanolin Laced udders. To us, it’s “Shut The Baby Up Juice.”

But to the men, that Lanolin is like the KY glimmer on a set of Congo Bongos.

And because men can’t think with the bigger head they were given and instead use the smaller stubby head, the breast has become a “private part.”

Facts about breasts according to mainstream logic (warning, sarcasm coming. If you start arguing with me like I believe this shit, you are a complete moron):

♦ The cleavage is not a private part. Only the female nipple is the private part.

♦ Breast fat is sexy. Belly fat is not. See, the fat in the boob is totally different than belly fat due to its geographic location, like boob fat is like luxury high rise fat and belly fat is like the ghetto of the body. Proof that fat is not always fat.

♦ It is perfectly acceptable to show a country being bombed with innocent people dying on television to report the news. That has less graphic content than a nipple. Studies have not shown that nipples cause violence and are the gateway to immoral sex, which is simply why the FCC won’t allow them.

♦ Man nipples are perfectly acceptable to show. Only the woman’s nipple is evil devil vagina magic that must remain private. Women’s nipples are evil because Eve used her nipple to tempt Adam into eating the forbidden fruit. Man nipples are not evil because man nipples don’t produce milk, and they really just aren’t sexy, like if a woman was turned on by a man’s nipple, we’d probably medicate her for that. Because man nipples are as useless as the man’s logic, we proudly display it like we do all our ignorance and drama. It’s the American Way.

♦ If your man sees a breast from a woman breastfeeding her baby, he is cheating on you in his head. It’s no different than him fantasizing about beaver bashing celebrities like Jessica Biel, which if they love you, they would NEVER do. No. If a man loves you, and it’s a legitimate love, the male body has ways to shut that whole fantasizing about other women thing down, unless they see a boob.

♦ Covering a nipple with a baby’s mouth is totally different than covering it with a shirt. It’s not good enough because the baby will be removed as a shirt won’t.

♦ Showing cleavage in a Budweiser commercial is a requirement to get men to buy beer. They would never buy it without that cleavage. Why would they? That’s why showing cleavage with a baby’s mouth covering a nipple is an abomination greater than gay marriage. The woman isn’t selling her breast milk, so why show it?

♦ If you don’t believe all this about the breast, you’re a whore. Duh. The dictionary even defines whore as “Noun: Someone who thinks nipples are just nipples.”

The following blogger dared to explain to us why we should cover up when we breastfeed in public…

and to quote the brass balls on this woman…

The truth is, I don’t want to see your naked boobs. I don’t want my husband to, and come to think of it, my preschool son either.

That doesn’t mean I’m sexualizing breast feeding. It means that a naked boob, to most people in our culture, is a sexual thing. (Sorry. It’s true. Whether there’s a kid attached to it or not.) And, at least in my opinion, no amount of kids eating on a naked boob is going to change the fact that the breast is still considered a ‘naked part’ in our society.

Yes, your breasts are beautiful. Yes, they are feeding children. Yes, they are natural.

But you know what?

Your vagina helped make the kid, and I don’t see you flashin’ that around.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m ignorant. Maybe you’re just trying to prove a point, and I just don’t get it. We all do motherhood our own way, and I love that. I really do think it’s a beautiful thing that all moms are different.

So, for what it’s worth, this is just my own truth: Unless you’re my sister, my mom or my friend, I would really appreciate not seeing your naked parts. I’m sorry.

When I saw that blog post titled, “Dear breastfeeding moms, Is it really that hard to cover up?” I kind of thought, “I don’t want to read this. It will just piss me off.”

But it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. The writer did kind of hit it softly, in my mind at least. She carefully tried to empathize and agree with people, even though she disagrees on a major part of the debate.

Now when she says,

Your vagina helped make the kid, and I don’t see you flashin’ that around.

I personally don’t care if you flash your boob, your twat, or your man’s penis around for any reason. I can desexualize private parts.

I can watch a porn video and we assume everyone is all like Ooooh look at how big that is, and how she… and then SPLAT panty cream. And I’m like, “OMG, that guy could use some cream on his bum, like age defying cream that reduces stretch marks. I wonder if Avon sells something for that. They really should have used better lighting for this. I wonder if the producer woke up and was like, ‘Let’s try one with that position, and we will use this font for it…'”

I don’t get turned on by sexual parts. I honestly think the penis, vagina, assholes, and breasts are quite disgusting. As a child, I assumed they were private parts because it would give kids nightmares. I mean, only in our world does the things that produce some form of mucous or fluid become sex objects. I’m amazed picking our nose isn’t considered foreplay if rubbing a swollen asshole is.

But I get that people are classically conditioned to believe in the facts as mainstream sees them because that’s how it’s always been done.

Studies are starting to show that most people’s opinions on things are based less on logic and real facts and more on a personal identity and social precepts. As time continues, I swear most people’s opinions they share on social media aren’t legitimate opinions as much as their way of placing themselves in a certain social status.

But I don’t live in that kind of box. My mind is wired to think for itself, and my personal opinion is (which is the most practical of all I’ve seen)…

Breast feeding sucks.

They pimp it out like it’s the greatest thing for the baby, and it probably is, but like everything else that’s the greatest thing for our kids, it sucks to be us, the parent. Car seats are a prime example.

I personally think ease of parenting, especially breastfeeding, especially breast feeding an infant while toddlers run amok, I just think ease of motherhood should trump people’s offensiveness. It’s ok they get offended, but they need to get over it.

I say this as the person who did cover her boob breastfeeding, but when I buckle my kids in the car as my hipster pants are sliding off my hips like they are designed to do, and my plumber’s crack is mooning the world, I let it moon.

Breast feeding is only a subtopic to the great topic of ease of motherhood. Motherhood is a tough gig. It will turn the hair on your head gray and put hair on your chest at the same time. Many mothers end up in a psych ward because they reproduced too often too fast for their sanity. Why are we so stuck on making motherhood more difficult than it already is? That’s the worst thing we can do for our children.

To throw it out there… According to Google’s Keyword Planner, the words, “Adult Breastfeeding” gets on average 33,100 searches every month.

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