Today, I got yelled at by a lifeguard because she thought I was going to slide down the slide with the 3 year old, and I wasn’t. I was just trying to get her to slide down. You would think the fact that my fat ass itself wasn’t anywhere near the slide (I was standing the whole time, and we are talking a 3 foot slide if that) would clue the poor daft blond teen. I had to scream across the pool because bitch wasn’t getting a clue. Cmon now, if I went down that slide, with my boobs, in that bathing suit, I’d flash the whole world and give all the married men wet dreams for the rest of their lives. I’m not in the mood to take on a mob of jealous wives. That should also have been obvious to the silly blond girl.
THEN, I got dirty looks from lifeguards when the pool closed. Three year olds have to do EVERYTHING THEMSELVES, including getting out of the pool. So we humored her, let her back in long enough to walk herself out since her stupid father had to go and carry her out knowing much better than that… Then I told the hubs, “I don’t think they approve our parenting.” He’s like, “Just wait until they have kids. Karma’s a bitch.” I’m like, “How much you want to bet they read my blog and be like, ‘it’s like she really gets me,’ having no idea they just eye rolled the person who wrote it…”
A couple years ago, a lifeguard whistled me for employing the use of the F-word with my husband. See, my mother in law was in town. She’s a bitch. She’s worse than that, but we’ll stop at bitch today. She was in town. We planned for days to take the kids swimming that day. MIL was all for it. Not one complaint. Not one “I don’t really want to.” No, it was, “They’ll love it.” Now I know some women hate the pool because bathing suits, but this woman is from Puerto Rico. She goes to the beach and the pool all the time. So when she made my husband leave me with a baby and two toddlers who can’t swim by myself at the pool last second decision so she could instead go antique shopping, this momma wasn’t happy. Of course, that day, my oldest daughter, like 4 at the time, befriended the kid who won’t listen to anyone and breaks all the rules, so when that girl dove into the lazy river to swim with the current, my daughter followed. I lost my mind. Called the hubs. Demanded he get to the pool. He did. He was pissed. AT ME. Fucker what? Fucker you pissed at me? So was his mom. This was before i knew she was a cunt. I went off on him. 3 snaps and a neck roll. Nobody was around who could hear us but the lifeguard and my kids. I couldn’t even hear other people’s kids screaming.
So what does life guard do? Blows his whistle. Yes that ballsy little zit faced snot blew his whistle at me, mid rant. “Don’t use the f-word.” Fuck you talkin about? What fuckin F-word? “That F-word.” Why? “Kids are present.” Where the fuck do you think they come from? “It’s a bad word. You shouldn’t be using it.” Really? Bad word? Well I’m French. It’s not a bad word in France. “You are not French.” Baisez-vous! Oui je suis. I am French…. That shut him up. BTW, I’m not French. I eat French Fries a lot, but I dip them in ketchup and that’s pretty American.
I don’t get lifeguards. I guess they get bored and have to troll once in a while, though the ones I seem to attract the most attention from don’t seem to always require intellectual stimulation so I’m not really sure.
I also discovered today, at the pool, in the bathroom waiting for a kid to pee, I have my mother’s ass. It’s her ass. Not her sexy young woman’s ass. No. Her I got old frumpy yet incredibly sexy for reasons beyond my understanding ass. She didn’t really form it until her 50’s. I’m no where near my 50’s. My ass is aging too fast. I know. I know. I should try pilates or something.
Swim carefully. Lifeguards be tryin to catch you swimmin dirty. Remember also, a drowning kid is usually a very quiet kid. Don’t trust a lifeguard to figure it out. They are too busy saving you from the Fuck word.