I’d be happy if I could just have a little bit more money, enough to be financially secure and stable. I’d be happy if I could just get an extra hour’s sleep or an extra hour to finish up. C’mon now? Five more minutes? I’d be happy if I could live old enough to see my grandbabies. I say crap like this to myself every day, but when you ask me, “What makes you unhappy?” it has nothing to do with money or time.
I’d be happy if things just went my way.
According to Noah Webster’s original dictionary, which was much more spiritual than today’s version, happiness is defined as:
Happiness is subjective, and often a very moody bitch. You don’t even need to have unpleasant things happen to you to be unhappy. Some of us just wake up that way and take meds to try to change it.
What if we just woke up happy for no reason? What kind of world would that be?
I would say the truest state of happiness doesn’t exist because the truest state of happiness would require that there be no happiness. The truest state of happiness is a place where there is no happy or sad, we just are. If you’re happy all the time, there is no sadness or something to compare to make you happy. Does that make sense? While a life without blissful pleasures seems like a Stepford Wife scene out of the story The Giver, it’s not real. If you need to feel pain in order to comparatively feel happy, how is that truly happy?
I just reworded what Noah said, but anywho…. I’m trying to write Finish the Sentence Friday’s post for tomorrow, and this week’s prompt is, “My kryptonite is…” So now I’m talking to myself…
What is my kryptonite? Not being loved. That’s definitely the thing that makes me go from kicking ass to feeling like I got my ass kicked. When I’m in love, I do things. When I feel unloved, I lay in bed all day moping, and what futile attempts I try at life fail over and over again. I hate being unloved. But that’s not kryptonite. Love is my superpower. What is my actual kryptonite? What makes me feel unloved?
Shift gears. What is an ITEM or a THING that makes you unhappy? What gets in your way? My kids. That’s not fair to my kids, but it’s not them as much as when they fight or make huge messes or distract me from what I’m doing. Distraction isn’t really an actual kryptonite though because I get through it every time. I just wish I had more moments with my kids that were quality, happy times than stressful distractions. I wish I could take them out to the mall without getting a temper tantrum because I bought them a stuffed animal and now they want two stuffed animals.”
That’s when it hit me. I’m confusing kryptonite for unhappiness (which is totally different than sadness). While I may not know what I’m going to write for tomorrow’s post, I do know that what truly makes me happy is love.
It’s not money. It’s not time. Yeah those things are nice, but no matter how many times I say, “I’d just be happy if things went my way,” it’s not true. That won’t make me happy.
People say happiness is an attitude. A state of mind. A choice. I can see that, to an extent, but faking happiness is not the same as being happy. That’s all your doing by “shifting your attitude,” is faking it, and it’s probably unhealthy to do for long lengths of time on a chronic level. Chronic fake happiness makes you the smiling woman with that psycho look in her eye.
We lie to ourselves all the time about what will make us happy because we are always in search of happiness. Even when we are happy, we search for happiness. Shouldn’t that be an indicator that dictates maybe you aren’t actually happy if you are still seeking things that make you happy? It’s like power. You can never have enough of it. You will always be thirsty for it. You will always want more.
True happiness is a dream I have that after I die, I will go be with God. I don’t care if I’m with God in heaven or hell. Being with God is true happiness because the love He has for me is so pure. I know that sounds silly, but love always hopes. I want the truest love imaginable because love makes me happy without any comparison involved.
But meanwhile, we are in this physical realm. We are living the punishment of sin with the ultimate goal of death, and in this world, in this version of reality, happiness is comparative. You can’t feel happiness without feeling pain. Depressing? Not really. Instead of it making me resent happiness, it’s making me appreciate pain.
Within Suffering, I find Happiness.
One huge happy moment in my life was probably the first minute after receiving the epidural with my first kid. The pain had me purple, twitching, drooling and spitting as I tried to breathe, and I was 9 cm dilated, and I didn’t correct the nurses and doctors when they were willing to still give me that epidural that late in the game (which is very unhealthy, and I seemed to be the only person in the room aware of that). I don’t know how I sat still for it, but I did. I got it. And the relief was so amazing that I still like to rub that spot in my back and think back to it. I feel like some sort of Amazon Warrior for living through it. For surviving it. For enduring it. It’s empowering and inspiring. I remind myself that I can wait through the pain for life’s epidural. That I can endure and not weaken.
Overcoming my pain, overcoming my suffering… That makes me happy.
In a weird sense to come back full circle, I was kind of right at the beginning. If I had just a little more money, just a little more time, just things to go a little more my way, I’d be happy, but those things don’t make me happy. Getting those things after being without is what makes me happy.
Within Hate, I find Love.
I’ve written before about how I try to be a light within the darkness in a deep poetic journal entry about my soul, but I have learned in life the best way to find love is to love. When confronted with hate, reacting with hate turns it into a pissing contest and nobody wins a pissing contest. Everyone is covered in piss (at least it’s sterile). When confronted with hate, reacting with love is being a light within the darkness. Sometimes the only light you have is your own, but it’s better than being lost in the darkness. Sometimes the only love you feel is the love you give, but that’s better than being without love.
Because I’m most happy when I’m loved, when I’m in love, when I feel love, I have to remind myself to love. When confronted with negativity of any sort, including unhappiness and pain, if I love, I will overcome that pain. This is what it means to “adjust your attitude,” and make a choice to be happy. You can’t just say, “oh, I’m going to be happy,” but you can say, “This sucks. I’m going to embrace the suckage so that when it’s gone, I can enjoy that moment. I’m going to fight the suckage with things of the light, like love, and things will work themselves out.”
I’d be happy if I could just love.
If you believe in God at all and ever feel you are without love, read this post… It’s a conversation I had with God that I never want to forget.
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