Readiness Tips for Apocalypse Preparation

Welcome to another installment of Finish the Sentence Friday where a bunch of bloggers finish the same prompt in interestingly different ways that are sure to inspire Freud to write a book. When you are done reading my drivel, and you SHOULD read my drivel, please check out the link below to find other people’s enlightening opinions on the topic.

Finish the Sentence Friday“When it comes to the end of the world…”

When it comes to the end of the world, I have a feeling that even though cats are superior hunters, dogs are more apt to survive just because they are omnivores.

dogs

I kind of meant that to be random drivel, but it actually means something. See I have friends anticipating an apocalypse. They have apocalypse preparation as a top priority in their life. They are planning to find property in the country and training themselves in the art of survival from the best training the world has to offer: YouTube. They have dreams of bunkers, self-sufficient food and zombie killing strategies…

Then you have me.

me water gun norris

I don’t think you can plan for an apocalypse unless you are trying to make it happen. I can imagine Lucifer in hell with binders labeled, “Apocalypse,” where he has little projects like “New World Order,” “The 7 Seals,” and maybe “George W. Bush.” Mitt Romney was thinking WAY TOO SMALL with his binders of women. Lucifer’s dreams are much bigger than yours Mitt.

But the point is, you can’t plan for it. Anything can happen. The dollar might become worthless. The world might not be capable of growing food above ground anymore. The island of California might not be accessible. You might grow a penis because you breathed the air of a Viagra plant explosion.

I know that’s not what anyone wants to hear; it’s scary (like the first time you saw a man-beast pork-sword, or worse, the first time you bobbed that knob). It’s unknown. But I embrace the unknown for what it is. Unknown.

Cats might know everything about hunting (and I love cats for it, and I do think they are the superior ones), but the dog can adapt better to whatever hell throws at him. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s just be-bopping along in his life handling things as it happens, including death. Kind of Taoist of him.

laotzu

But if you MUST prepare for the apocalypse, here’s some tips on actual apocalypse preparation:

Learn Hard Skills. Go hunting and fishing once in a while just to know how to do it. Gather wood. Try out some recipes for cooking with Cattails. Things like that. You never know. You might enjoy fishing and hunting and transform into a gun-toting redneck posting random things on your Facebook like, “Guns don’t kill people, only people kill people.” If ever you find yourself hating President Obama, you’ve gone too far. Hug a tree and come back.

Go to church. Regardless of the apocalypse, you are going to die someday. Your soul is like this thing everyone wants. Give it to the ONLY GUY who was all about PEACE because we all want to rest in peace. If you are an atheist who hates religion, stop hating Jesus. Dude wasn’t about religion. Dude was about peace and love. IF you got issues with peace and love, then you obviously don’t know those things. You should try to find out what they are about.

Stop planning for the apocalypse; instead, plan for it to NOT happen. Some people are so busy planning for their demise they forget to plan for things like success and the rest of their life. Yes an apocalypse is a sure fire way to waste a good IRA, but that shouldn’t stop you from investing in your retirement. If you’re going to let fear dictate your decisions, let me introduce you to something scarier than an apocalypse. Can you say, “Nursing Home?”

Vote for environmental policies designed to keep the earth nice and vote against nuclear war. While we expect everyone to fuck everything up and kill us all, it would be nice if some of us tried to stop them from fucking everything up and killing us all. 

Have a designated safe place in case of an apocalypse. My plans are really in the case of a ZA (Zombie Apocalypse for those of us who take it seriously), to reclaim territories of the United States beginning with key Air Force bases. Meanwhile, Patti Ford down at Insane in the Mom-Brain will be hosting a haven in Mexico, and only people who read her blog will be there so you know you’ll be around wonderful people with an awesome case of a good humor.

Get a Bible. If all the Christians disappear at once, you’ll probably need it. If not, you can throw it at Zombies.

I know I didn’t really give good advice on How Not To Grow A Penis In the Case of an Apocalypse, but I did give great advice on apocalyptic predictions that even Nostradamus could agree with. Who the fuck named their kid Nostradamus?

apocalypse preparation how prepared is your state

 You should probably get this just in case you do grow a PENIS…

Check out Blog Bomb Awards’ Zombie Slayers

Voting is over until Next Year, but you can find some awesome bloggers who are into apocalypse preparation and zombie slaying like a champ.

 

Don’t forget to check out other
Finish the Sentence Friday Posts

Comments

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12 comments for “Readiness Tips for Apocalypse Preparation

  1. April 17, 2015 at 4:21 am

    I am ROLLING! This is hilarious, start to finish, but the growing the penis part (or “bobbed that knob”) might be best. Been trying to convince my three year old son to be in the yard to get this potty training ball rolling, and my six year old daughter is so jealous that she’s trying to pee in the yard too. End result? Penis envy and a change of clothes.
    The legendary Sarah indescribably inscribed…FTSF: On My Last DayMy Profile

    • April 17, 2015 at 2:32 pm

      I potty trained my kids by sending them to school and making the school do it. Seeing all the other kids in Pre School asking to use the bathroom finally made them WANT to ask to use the bathroom like it’s the new cool thing, cooler than wearing a temporary tattoo. Even still, we’ll be getting ready to leave, and the 8 year old decides it’s a good time for everyone to use the bathroom.
      The legendary michellegrewe indescribably inscribed…Readiness Tips for Apocalypse PreparationMy Profile

  2. April 17, 2015 at 4:41 am

    This is fantastic Michele! Especially love this: “I embrace the unknown for what it is. Unknown.” I think that is the smartest, truest way to live. Thank you for the reminder. Happy Friday, whatever it may bring!
    The legendary Nicki indescribably inscribed…One Shoe OffMy Profile

    • April 17, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      Schrodinger’s Cat. All possibilities are happening at once and not happening at all. That’s the most scientific way to approach the unknown for what it is at this point.
      The legendary michellegrewe indescribably inscribed…Readiness Tips for Apocalypse PreparationMy Profile

  3. April 17, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Ha ha! Your zombie hunting preparedness *picture* was my favorite part!

    Good reminder about picking that safe location. I’ll have to get on that. Mexico sounds nice and tropical.
    The legendary Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom indescribably inscribed…I Mustache You Some QuestionsMy Profile

  4. April 17, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Another collage of consciousness! Only you could blend survivalism, nutrition, blogging, environmentalism, religion, and a bunch of other completed uncorrelated topics into a single blog post. I salute you, and even smile out loud as I’m reading!
    The legendary Anna Fitfunner indescribably inscribed…The World Will End Before I Eat ThisMy Profile

  5. April 17, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Yikes! Our dollar is ALREADY worthless. It’s running below 80 cents compared to yours. Runnnnnnnnn!

  6. April 17, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Michelle! Utterly hilarious and awesome! “Hug a tree and come back!” HA! Also yeah to the penis thing. Laughing my ass off. Is Viagra really a plant? Anyway, so glad you linked up and that I got to read this this afternoon. I agree with Anna too – you’re the only person I know who could use penises, religion, cats and dogs and Taoism and life and death and zombies and make it into a funny post!
    The legendary Kristi Campbell indescribably inscribed…The Last Day Before Being a Mom, and ThenMy Profile

  7. April 17, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    OMG!
    Hilarious and just plain laughter inspite of the serious topic 🙂

    xoxo
    The legendary ruchira indescribably inscribed…When THE day arrives…My Profile

  8. April 18, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    Binge watching The Walking Dead has fully prepared me for a zombie apocalyse, which is a good thing considering my state says “get out while you can!” So nice to read a funny post with this prompt…I think I depressed people with mine. 🙁
    The legendary Dana indescribably inscribed…The endMy Profile

  9. April 19, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    I just LOVED your advice. This is my favourite part: stop hating Jesus. Dude wasn’t about religion. Dude was about peace and love. I am not Christian so not sure if I’m invading a foreign territory here (as in offering my opinion where it’s not relevant) but I completely agree with you.

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