Welcome to another installment of Finish the Sentence Friday where a bunch of bloggers finish the same prompt in interestingly different ways that are sure to inspire Freud to write a book. When you are done reading my drivel, and you SHOULD read my drivel, please check out the link below to find other people’s enlightening opinions on the topic.
When it comes to the end of the world, I have a feeling that even though cats are superior hunters, dogs are more apt to survive just because they are omnivores.
I kind of meant that to be random drivel, but it actually means something. See I have friends anticipating an apocalypse. They have apocalypse preparation as a top priority in their life. They are planning to find property in the country and training themselves in the art of survival from the best training the world has to offer: YouTube. They have dreams of bunkers, self-sufficient food and zombie killing strategies…
Then you have me.
I don’t think you can plan for an apocalypse unless you are trying to make it happen. I can imagine Lucifer in hell with binders labeled, “Apocalypse,” where he has little projects like “New World Order,” “The 7 Seals,” and maybe “George W. Bush.” Mitt Romney was thinking WAY TOO SMALL with his binders of women. Lucifer’s dreams are much bigger than yours Mitt.
But the point is, you can’t plan for it. Anything can happen. The dollar might become worthless. The world might not be capable of growing food above ground anymore. The island of California might not be accessible. You might grow a penis because you breathed the air of a Viagra plant explosion.
I know that’s not what anyone wants to hear; it’s scary (like the first time you saw a man-beast pork-sword, or worse, the first time you bobbed that knob). It’s unknown. But I embrace the unknown for what it is. Unknown.
Cats might know everything about hunting (and I love cats for it, and I do think they are the superior ones), but the dog can adapt better to whatever hell throws at him. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s just be-bopping along in his life handling things as it happens, including death. Kind of Taoist of him.
But if you MUST prepare for the apocalypse, here’s some tips on actual apocalypse preparation:
Learn Hard Skills. Go hunting and fishing once in a while just to know how to do it. Gather wood. Try out some recipes for cooking with Cattails. Things like that. You never know. You might enjoy fishing and hunting and transform into a gun-toting redneck posting random things on your Facebook like, “Guns don’t kill people, only people kill people.” If ever you find yourself hating President Obama, you’ve gone too far. Hug a tree and come back.
Go to church. Regardless of the apocalypse, you are going to die someday. Your soul is like this thing everyone wants. Give it to the ONLY GUY who was all about PEACE because we all want to rest in peace. If you are an atheist who hates religion, stop hating Jesus. Dude wasn’t about religion. Dude was about peace and love. IF you got issues with peace and love, then you obviously don’t know those things. You should try to find out what they are about.
Stop planning for the apocalypse; instead, plan for it to NOT happen. Some people are so busy planning for their demise they forget to plan for things like success and the rest of their life. Yes an apocalypse is a sure fire way to waste a good IRA, but that shouldn’t stop you from investing in your retirement. If you’re going to let fear dictate your decisions, let me introduce you to something scarier than an apocalypse. Can you say, “Nursing Home?”
Vote for environmental policies designed to keep the earth nice and vote against nuclear war. While we expect everyone to fuck everything up and kill us all, it would be nice if some of us tried to stop them from fucking everything up and killing us all.
Have a designated safe place in case of an apocalypse. My plans are really in the case of a ZA (Zombie Apocalypse for those of us who take it seriously), to reclaim territories of the United States beginning with key Air Force bases. Meanwhile, Patti Ford down at Insane in the Mom-Brain will be hosting a haven in Mexico, and only people who read her blog will be there so you know you’ll be around wonderful people with an awesome case of a good humor.
Get a Bible. If all the Christians disappear at once, you’ll probably need it. If not, you can throw it at Zombies.
I know I didn’t really give good advice on How Not To Grow A Penis In the Case of an Apocalypse, but I did give great advice on apocalyptic predictions that even Nostradamus could agree with. Who the fuck named their kid Nostradamus?
You should probably get this just in case you do grow a PENIS…
Check out Blog Bomb Awards’ Zombie Slayers
Voting is over until Next Year, but you can find some awesome bloggers who are into apocalypse preparation and zombie slaying like a champ.
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Finish the Sentence Friday Posts