I’m a mom of 3 girls. An Air Force Veteran. A writer. A graphic artist. Mediumish (I avoid talking to dead people).
Writing lets me release brain flatulence (it hurts if you don’t let it out eventually). Graphic Design lets me get paid once in a while as an artist making me rethink my major (I majored in Business and Accounting because it would give me a real job unlike art–eye roll). Fontography is just fun, and the psychic medium shit just kind of happened.
Crumpets and Bollocks is my personal blog. It’s about me, my thoughts; it’s my therapy.
I do other shit too…
Women of ILL Repute: Kind of a lost cause, like I stopped doing this thing in particular, a website designed to help women and those who identify as female become more comfortable with their sexuality in a healthy, positive (and super fun) way. I keep it up because some of the articles are hilarious. Some day, I might move them here.
Blogging As I Learn It: Old blog about blogging. I just blog crap as I’m learning it or doing things.
My professionalish website is michellegrewe.com
My funny jokes and quotes are really just me being a trainwreck, but a creative, free-spirited, incredibly intelligent trainwreck.
I’m published in places and technically, Google calls me an “author.”
You guys. I'm kind of a writer. But I swear my best stuff goes in Facebook comments. One person asks what the urban…
The details of my life are quite inconsequential … Here’s some random things because the story is too long, and I can’t mention everything for legal reasons…
My father owned his own radio station, turned down half a million in the 80’s for it to later give it to the church for a dollar to spread God on the air waves, and the church sold it behind his back to the mafia.
I was kicked out of a Baptist Church for having a VIRGIN strawberry daiquiri, thus beginning my atheist years.
I worked my ass off in high school to get A’s in Calculus and Physics and Honors English to find out nobody gives a shit about that after high school. I could have jacked off like everyone else and got the same results. Institutionalized education is bull shit.
I met a guy at a bar who changed my life forever: my military recruiter. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was saying my enlistment vows. There, I caught PTSD like it was an STD.
Before motherhood, I managed several tax offices, and I got fired for being pregnant (like it’s an another kind of STD) thereby proving EEOC laws have absolutely no enforcement.
My first kid was planned. I got pregnant with my second WHILE I was still breastfeeding the first. When doctors say that can’t happen, they lie. The third kid was the Immaculate Conception of a whore because I never had sex within a month of the conception date, and the two times I had sex that year, we used a condom that didn’t break. My third kid is .00000001 percent probable.
For years I didn’t sleep. Most nights averaged a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, and many times, I found myself being up 3 days straight with a 4 hour nap before the next 3 to 5 day marathon.
Between long-term chronic sleep deprivation and PTSD, I’m a psychic medium now by accident. This is why I’m a Christian again.
Despite the fact that I try to humble myself with that IQ crap, I still feel like I’m too good to do the dishes. I refuse to be a house bitch, yet here I am, the house bitch by default.
Someone said I should use some old jugs as a flower vase
I am definitely not sheeple and I don’t fit in any box. I don’t like rules. I don’t like being told what to do.
All the weird shit I say on facebook and my blog is not half as weird as the things I think, especially when I’m in public.
I psychoanalyze everyone, including my own therapist. BTW, God and the Devil both might be sociopaths with autistic tendencies.
I am the most misunderstood person I ever met.
My parents used to scream at me to turn down my music.Now my children scream at me to turn down my music.
My Parenting Style
I had 3 kids back to back. Not 17 years in between them. Not one kid. AND nobody really helps. My mom, my sister, my friends… they watch my kids once a year if I’m lucky. A huge part of my past involves trying to maintain with a baby and 2 toddlers.
1. It’s not as easy as we make it look.
2. Excuse me if I didn’t cut the bread into the shape of the kids’ favorite trademarked character
3. I don’t really give a fuck if my kid’s meltdown bothers you, oh you pampered one who probably slept 8 full hours straight.
4. When I’m driving with all 3 of my kids, I’m kind of a narcissistic bitch on account of “Unholy Fuck Let me Drive in Peace!” SMASH random ice cream cone mashed into the side of my head (true story)… If you are in my way, get the fuck out of my way. If I’m in your way, get the fuck over it.
5. I have no idea what day it is. Or month. In fact, I’m still a little unsure of the year.
6. I probably didn’t brush my teeth today, or yesterday. Not sure when the last time I did that was, but I don’t feel the plaque with my tongue yet. Anyway, I’d be careful about getting too close to my mouth.
7. And for the love of chocolate, don’t look in my crockpot. God doesn’t even know what’s in there or how long it’s been there.
Imagine a man ripping off your bra with great passion, and half a cookie and 3 potato chips go flying out of your underboob. I don't think I'm ready for the lifestyle adjustment to date again.
For unprofessional basics about me:
Name: Michelle Grewe otherwise known as Mom Wipe My Butt
Divorced to: My Latino Lover. Best one night stand ever. Also my worst.
Sex: The number 1 cause of pregnancy in the world (it’s not whiskey like I originally thought)
Address: The place where the banjos play
Religion: No Affiliation. I do my own thinking
Spirituality: I believe in God and Jesus Christ; I believe in Love. I don’t just believe they exist, I also believe in what they stand for, and that what they stand for is the most powerful force in the universe.
Political Party: No Affiliation. I do my own thinking.
Seriously thinking of driving to Texas to grab an illegal immigrant, preferably a single mom, and marrying her.
Horoscope Sign: Libra, the best.
Number 1 Pick Up Line: “I’m looking for my date. I think I got stood up <insert lonely frown>”
Mafia Name: The Mother. My sauce puts Sophia’s to shame. My fishes sleep with the fishes, and I orchestrate an annual houseplant massacre. Mexican Drug Cartels better watch out, I killed Thyme and Oregano in a matter of 4 days do you really think I’m afraid of their marijuana plants?
Past Lives: According to the psychic, I had a vineyard in Italy once. I was around for Jesus but wasn’t cool enough to get into the Bible. Before that, I was a tiger guardian during Ancient Egypt. That was just earth. I was at some other planet a few times. I seem to hate earth. No offense to you people. I didn’t know either. The psychic is the one who said that. Not me. Maybe I just didn’t like earth before the invention of Air Conditioning.
I have a feeling if I found a Meow translator on Google, I might not like my cat anymore.
Song I sing in the shower: Ain’t nobody dope as me I’m just so fresh so clean…
Favorite movie of all time: Hmm, tough call. Love the Expendables because it’s the best of the 80’s minus Dirty Harry all in one (I do love Dirty Harry movies, like Clint was all who was missing from the movie). While the Die Hards remind me of my father and I grew up on cheesy 80’s action heroes, oh and I love Kung Fu movies like Jet Li’s Twin Warriors and my favorite romance House of the Flying Daggers, my favorite movie of all time has got to be The Sound of Music.
They should make a movie about a guy named Richard Johnson, and call it Dicks so that way a commercial will legitimately say, "DICKS, Coming Soon! In a theater near you."
Favorite Drinks: Diet Coke, Dragon Fruit Great Value Energy Drinks, Mini Beers, Coffee, vodka, rum… I’m such a health nut.
Favorite Actor to fantasize humping: Stephen Colbert and Katherine Heigl, at the same time.
Favorite Color: Light (all of them)
Do I believe in ghosts? Yes. Well that they are real. I don’t believe IN them.
Awesome Quotes from Myself:
Be the eye of the hurricane. Don’t walk into the wind, let the wind walk with you.
In order to find love, you have to love.
Patience may be a wonderful virtue, but it's not an efficient one.
I think the woman is proof that God is male. No woman would make ourselves this beautiful, mainly out of jealousy. Only a man in love could do such a thing.
I have no idea what I’m doing because the children won’t let me.