I’m a mom of 3 girls. An Air Force Veteran. A writer. A graphic artist. Fontographer. Medium (I talk to dead people).
Writing lets me release brain flatulence (it hurts if you don’t let it out eventually). Graphic Design lets me get paid once in a while as an artist making me rethink my major (I majored in Business and Accounting because it would give me a real job unlike art–eye roll). Fontography is just fun, and the psychic medium shit just kind of happened.
Crumpets and Bollocks is my personal blog. It’s about me, my thoughts; it’s my therapy.
Women of ILL Repute: Brand Spanking New for 2016, a website designed to help women and those who identify as female become more comfortable with their sexuality in a healthy, positive (and super fun) way.
DIY Mom for the Holidays: Brand New in 2016 is a collection of some DIY mom posts, aimed for underachieving like myself, to prepare for my upcoming book, you guessed it, DIY Mom for the Holidays.
Blogging As I Learn It: Old blog about blogging. I just blog crap as I’m learning it or doing things.
My funny jokes and quotes are really just me being a trainwreck, but a creative, free-spirited, incredibly intelligent trainwreck.
The details of my life are quite inconsequential … Here’s some random things because the story is too long, and I can’t mention everything for legal reasons…
My father owned his own radio station, turned down half a million in the 80’s for it to later give it to the church for a dollar to spread God on the air waves, and the church sold it behind his back to the mafia.
I was kicked out of a Baptist Church for having a VIRGIN strawberry daiquiri, thus beginning my atheist years.
I worked my ass off in high school to get A’s in Calculus and Physics and Honors English to find out nobody gives a shit about that after high school. I could have jacked off like everyone else and got the same results. Institutionalized education is bull shit.
I met a guy at a bar who changed my life forever: my military recruiter. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was saying my enlistment vows. There, I caught PTSD like it was an STD.
Before motherhood, I managed several tax offices, and I got fired for being pregnant (like it’s an another kind of STD) thereby proving EEOC laws have absolutely no enforcement.
My first kid was planned. I got pregnant with my second WHILE I was still breastfeeding the first. When doctors say that can’t happen, they lie. The third kid was the Immaculate Conception of a whore because I never had sex within a month of the conception date, and the two times I had sex that year, we used a condom that didn’t break. My third kid is .00000001 percent probable.
For years I didn’t sleep. Most nights averaged a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, and many times, I found myself being up 3 days straight with a 4 hour nap before the next 3 to 5 day marathon.
Between long-term chronic sleep deprivation and PTSD, I’m a psychic medium now by accident. This is why I’m a Christian again.
Despite the fact that I try to humble myself with that IQ crap, I still feel like I’m too good to do the dishes. I refuse to be a house bitch, yet here I am, the house bitch by default.
My idea of feminism is where women act smarter and more aggressive than men and then look at men the way men look at women. As a result, most women hate me. You would think the men would, but that kind of turns them on.
I am definitely not sheeple and I don’t fit in any box. I don’t like rules. I don’t like being told what to do.
All the weird shit I say on facebook and my blog is not half as weird as the things I think, especially when I’m in public.
I’m very alone.
I psychoanalyze everyone, including my own therapist. BTW, God and the Devil both might be sociopaths with autistic tendencies.
I am the most misunderstood person I ever met.
My Parenting Style
I had 3 kids back to back. Not 17 years in between them. Not one kid. AND nobody really helps. My mom, my sister, my friends… they watch my kids once a year if I’m lucky. A huge part of my past involves trying to maintain with a baby and 2 toddlers.
1. It’s not as easy as we make it look.
2. Excuse me if I didn’t cut the bread into the shape of the kids’ favorite character
3. I don’t really give a fuck if my kid’s meltdown bothers you, oh you pampered one who probably slept 8 full hours straight.
4. When I’m driving with all 3 of my kids, I’m kind of a narcissistic bitch on account of “Unholy Fuck Let me Drive in Peace!” SMASH random ice cream cone mashed into the side of my head (true story)… If you are in my way, get the fuck out of my way. If I’m in your way, get the fuck over it.
5. I have no idea what day it is. Or month. In fact, I’m still a little unsure of the year.
6. I probably didn’t brush my teeth today, or yesterday. Not sure when the last time I did that was, but I don’t feel the plaque with my tongue yet. Anyway, I’d be careful about getting too close to my mouth.
7. And for the love of chocolate, don’t look in my crockpot. God doesn’t even know what’s in there or how long it’s been there.
For unprofessional basics about me:
Name: Michelle Grewe otherwise known as Mom Wipe My Butt
Married to: My Latino Lover. Best one night stand ever.
Sex: The number 1 cause of pregnancy in the world (it’s not whiskey like I originally thought)
Address: The place where the banjos play
Religion: No Affiliation. I do my own thinking.
Spirituality: I believe in God and Jesus Christ; I believe in Love. I don’t just believe they exist, I also believe in what they stand for, and that what they stand for is the most powerful force in the universe.
Political Party: No Affiliation. I do my own thinking.
Horoscope Sign: Libra, the best.
Theme Song: Peggy Lee I’m a Woman; MC Hammer’s Can’t Touch This
Number 1 Pick Up Line: “I’m looking for my date. I think I got stood up <insert lonely frown>”
Mafia Name: The Mother. My sauce puts Sophia’s to shame. My fishes sleep with the fishes, and I orchestrate an annual houseplant massacre. Mexican Drug Cartels better watch out, I killed Thyme and Oregano in a matter of 4 days do you really think I’m afraid of their marijuana plants?
Past Lives: According to the psychic, I had a vineyard in Italy once. I was around for Jesus but wasn’t cool enough to get into the Bible. Before that, I was a tiger guardian during Ancient Egypt. That was just earth. I was at some other planet a few times. I seem to hate earth. No offense to you people. I didn’t know either. The psychic is the one who said that. Not me. Maybe I just didn’t like earth before the invention of Air Conditioning.
Do I spank? Frequently the husband. Sometimes the kids.
How do I get the husband to say yes? Jump on a trampoline, shirtless, when I ask a question.
Song I sing in the shower: Ain’t nobody dope as me I’m just so fresh so clean…
Current favorite song: Beneath your beautiful by Labrinth and now Uptown Funk.
Favorite movie of all time: Hmm, tough call. Love the Expendables because it’s the best of the 80’s minus Dirty Harry all in one (I do love Dirty Harry movies, like Clint was all who was missing from the movie). While the Die Hards remind me of my father and I grew up on cheesy 80’s action heroes, oh and I love Kung Fu movies like Jet Li’s Twin Warriors and my favorite romance House of the Flying Daggers, my favorite movie of all time has got to be The Sound of Music.
Favorite Drinks: Diet Coke, Dragon Fruit Great Value Energy Drinks, Mini Beers, Coffee, vodka, rum… I’m such a health nut.
Favorite Actor to fantasize humping: Sylvester Stallone and Katherine Heigl, 3 some. I’m not a lesbian, but Katherine might change that some day.
Favorite Color: Light (all of them)
Do I believe in ghosts? Yes.
Awesome Quotes from Myself:
Be the eye of the hurricane. Don’t walk into the wind, let the wind walk with you.
In order to find love, you have to love.
Don’t hold on to your opinion like it’s a belief
I think the woman is proof that God is male. No woman would make ourselves this beautiful, mainly out of jealousy. Only a man in love could do such a thing.
I have no idea what I’m doing because the children won’t let me.