I’m a mom of 3 girls. An Air Force Veteran. A writer. A graphic artist. 

Writing lets me release brain flatulence (it hurts if you don’t let it out eventually). 

Crumpets and Bollocks is my personal blog. It’s about me, my thoughts; it’s my therapy.

Other places I’m at: 

MichelleGrewe.com – my place as a writer, artist and prolific badass

Blogging As I Learn It: Old blog about blogging. I just blog crap as I’m learning it or doing things.

My Life.

Here’s some random things about my life because the story is too long, and I can’t mention everything for legal reasons…

I was kicked out of a Baptist Church for having a VIRGIN strawberry daiquiri, thus beginning my atheist years.

I worked my ass off in high school to get A’s in Calculus and Physics and Honors English to find out nobody gives a shit about that after high school. I could have jacked off like everyone else and got the same results. Institutionalized education is bull shit.

I met a guy at a bar who changed my life forever: my military recruiter. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was saying my enlistment vows. There, I caught PTSD like it was an STD.

Before motherhood, I managed several tax offices, and I got fired for being pregnant (like it’s an another kind of STD) thereby proving EEOC laws have absolutely no enforcement.

My first kid was planned. I got pregnant with my second WHILE I was still breastfeeding the first. When doctors say that can’t happen, they lie. The third kid was the Immaculate Conception of a Whore because I never had sex, and the two times I had sex that year, we used a condom that didn’t break. My third kid is .00000001 percent probable.

For years I didn’t sleep. Most nights averaged a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, and many times, I found myself being up 3 days straight with a 4 hour nap before the next 3 to 5 day marathon. I think I caused permanent neurological damage with that. So that should explain things. 

I was once kicked out of group therapy for calling the doctor a liar, and kicked out of a Psychologist’s office for citing empirical evidence. 

Despite the fact that I try to humble myself with my IQ, I still feel like I’m too good to do the dishes. 

All the weird shit I say on facebook and my blog is not half as weird as the things I think, especially when I’m in public. In fact, the more normal I appear, the more fucked up things I’m probably thinking. 

I psychoanalyze everyone, including my own therapist. 

I am the most misunderstood person I ever met.

My Parenting Style

I had 3 kids back to back. Not 17 years in between them. Not one kid. AND nobody really helps. My mom, my sister, my friends… they watch my kids once a year if I’m lucky. A huge part of my past involves trying to maintain with a baby and 2 toddlers.

1.  It’s not as easy as we make it look.

2.  Excuse me if I didn’t cut the bread into the shape of the kids’ favorite trademarked character

3. I don’t really give a fuck if my kid’s meltdown bothers you, oh you pampered one who probably slept 8 full hours straight.

4. When I’m driving with all 3 of my kids, I’m kind of a narcissistic bitch on account of “Unholy Fuck Let me Drive in Peace!” SMASH random ice cream cone mashed into the side of my head (true story)… If you are in my way, get the fuck out of my way. If I’m in your way, get the fuck over it.

5. I have no idea what day it is. Or month. In fact, I’m still a little unsure of the year.

6. I probably didn’t brush my teeth today, or yesterday. Not sure when the last time I did that was, but I don’t feel the plaque with my tongue yet. Anyway, I’d be careful about getting too close to my mouth.

7. And for the love of chocolate, don’t look in my crockpot. God doesn’t even know what’s in there or how long it’s been there. 

Imagine a man ripping off your bra with great passion, and half a cookie and 3 potato chips go flying out of your underboob. I don't think I'm ready for the lifestyle adjustment to date again.

Posted by Michelle Grewe on Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Awesome Quotes from Myself:

Be the eye of the hurricane. Don’t walk into the wind, let the wind walk with you.

In order to find love, you have to love.

Patience may be a wonderful virtue, but it's not an efficient one.

Posted by Michelle Grewe on Monday, 19 April 2010

I think the woman is proof that God is male. No woman would make ourselves this beautiful, mainly out of jealousy. Only a man in love could do such a thing.

I have no idea what I’m doing because the children won’t let me.

2 Comments

  1. HEY- so i hope you are the person who made the Floral Flush font thing? Just wanted to give a shout out that you are so beyond awesome and that I read that text file you had about taking pictures of plants and stuff outside of dollar general and I just wanted to give you a high five. I might be using your beautiful floral font somewhere in my book :) thank you again and I think you are deifnitely on the coolest people I have ever seen list.
    • Yeah that's me. Thank you so very much. I'm glad you like that font. I have some photoshop brushes too of some of the photos I've been meaning to post. If you need them, drop me an email and I'll just email them to you. untouchable.cant.touch.this@gmail.com

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