I thought that by this time in life, I’d know what I was doing and maybe where I was going. I thought I’d like, I don’t know, be there already. Somewhere. What am I going to say at my high school reunion when people ask me, “So what do you do?” I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere.
You can listen to this while you read! How fun!
It’s Erykah Badu. You’ll gain at least 3 IQ points and a set of tits listening to her.
ANYWAY…. I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere…
I lost my Senior Wills where we listed our goals and left things behind to people at high school graduation, you know, like I bequeath my frienemy free dinner at red lobster because I know fish and crabs are her favorite. I got in trouble for that one too. Thank God she forgave me since then… But 5 years ago, I read through it, and under goals, I wrote, sometime during my Senior Year, in 1996, “To be successful and make money.”
What a dumb fuck goal Michelle! Like if I could come up with something stupid, I sure as hell did.
Now this year marks my 20 year reunion, and I don’t have a good answer for, “So what do you do now?” God forbid they read this blog post and remember I was going to chase paper like a rap reject because the only paper I’m chasing now are the ones my kids’ school sends home. My best bet is to lie, but instead of Romy and Michele’s Post-It Invention, I’m going to be like, “Yeah, I’m an assassin now. Freelance on account the mercenaries require a college degree.” It’s partially true. As a freelance writer, I can kill off any character, even if there was a resemblance to real life that was or was not purely coincidental.
It was the Curse of Angelina that did me in. It’s the only logical explanation.
I learned in high school, the hard way…
Never compliment a goth chick on her dog collar.
Don’t let the spikes on black leather fool you. It’s a choker, not a dog collar. And would you believe she wasn’t a Christian? Whatever her faith was practiced some occult magical art, and she told my friend Erica she cursed us.
Erica and I then consumed a life of ridiculous bad luck and unwanted stray hairs that had everyone who knew us wondering if there really was a curse. At one point, we thought about paying a gypsy $700 to remove the curse, but she died before we could raise enough money because of the bad luck.
For real, I have no idea if the Curse of Angelina is real or not. I don’t believe curses are more powerful than God, but I do like blaming the fact that I’m a complete and total fuck up on that. This curse is probably the most convenient excuse ever.
Let me nutshell my life in bullet prose:
- High school is like prison where people segregate into gangs for protection
- It’s OK Michelle, a 3.8 is still a good GPA.
- College abroad is like a scene in Revenge of the NERDS.
- Does screwing the all-star football player mean I’m popular now?
- My father dying of cancer was so not on my bucket list
- Community college is like grade school but without the puppets.
- It’s really not fair when you get A’s on everything and still get a C for the class because you didn’t go
- My resume at this point is MOSTLY true.
- 5 years of vaguely remembering a string of mediocre one night stands and some bar fights
- Drug Dealers make excellent body guards and know more about economics than the country club
- Do politician expense accounts have a place to check mark, “Whores” because it should.
- Never fuck the HR Manager.
- The sociopath trumped my Board of Directors with the head of Office of Economic Opportunity. He threatened to cut funding, but then after they fired me, George Bush cut it for them. Best Irony Ever.
- According to a real doctor, Michelle Grewe is, “Nothing more than a pretty face.”
- Met a guy at a bar who changed my life forever: my military recruiter
- ASVAB score 95. Graduated BMT and tech school with honors. Did 73 pushups in a minute. Beat up a Marine and they called me Devil Dog, a true honor. Resume now says: Can fold a t-shirt to perfection with a pair of tweezers.
- A little girl ran through formation to hug her daddy, my drill sgt, thereby fixing my biological clock.
- I cheated on my boyfriend with my husband, and then cheated on my husband with my rapist, all before I got married.
- Got married on my lunch break in Battle Dress Uniform (so fitting)
- Got fired for being pregnant.
- Biggest lie the military told me: The body can do way more than your mind permits. Keep pushing…. Now you know why all the soldiers have PTSD.
- The worst thing you can ever wear to a job interview is a pregnancy
- One kid is a lot of work. Two kids are a mind fuck. Three kids will fuck you up more than green crack on St. Paddy’s Day.
- Babies and toddlers are a worse combination than beer before liquor while putting ketchup on taco bell’s pizza
- Selfless people will always be surrounded by selfish people.
- Don’t ever let your mother assume you don’t need her anymore, because then when you do, she thinks you got it handled just fine on your own.
- Did you know if you don’t sleep more than 2 hours a night for 7 years straight, you will hear dead people?
- Bullies prey on the weak and injured, like special needs and mothers.
- Child protection services are a toll-free form of revenge now a days.
- It is impossible to scrub a floor while vomiting every 5 minutes from a horrific untreated migraine while two toddlers are following with crayons and the baby needs a bottle. Seven people you love will not understand why your floor is a mess. Bless their fucking hearts.
- The darkest voices in your life will not be demons, but the people who claim to love you.
- A few times, I went to the ER feeling incredibly sick to find out I was just hungry and needed to eat.
- In the same sense, a few times I went to the ER feeling incredibly crazy, admitted myself into the Psych ward to find out I just needed to sleep.
- I got kicked out of group therapy for preaching about the pitfalls of our healthcare.
- I had a dream that an angel carried me to a pink cloud and laid me down on a stone tablet and it kind of cured most of my crazy.
- I still got kicked out of my nephew’s shrink’s office for citing studies that disagreed with him.
- My diagnosis should have me licking walls or committing suicide, but I’m raising 3 kids instead. And I still have no help with it.
- The two most supportive people in my life are God and the internet.
Sometimes I wonder where I’d be if the cards laid a different way.
- What if my father were still alive?
- What if I went to the club earlier that day I missed the guy I had been dreaming about for 7 years straight by 5 minutes?
- What if I didn’t leave the military?
- What if I didn’t change my major a thousand times?
But then I wouldn’t have these beautiful kids who gave my life purpose.
They are worth every bad decision. Every mistake. Every consequence. Every curse. Every ounce of it all, they are worth it. I would dive into hell for any one of them.
If the Curse of Angelina brought me here, then it was truly a blessing.
I can overcome myself once in a while. I’m still going to fuck up. The difference between me and most people in my life is I’m honest about it. The difference between me and a lot of people who judge me is that I’m not in denial. I’m facing myself. My flaws. And I’m trying. I won’t stop trying.
The law of economics is that our wants will ALWAYS exceed our means. We are always going to want more than what we have. The grass will always be greener on the other side. We will all swear at times we must of been cursed.
I make some people jealous and make others feel better about themselves.
So when I go to my high school reunion, I’m going to say I’m an assassin. With a straight face. I’m kidding. They all know I’m just a blogger who is published in some small books with 3 kids and “a hint” of insanity. Most of them are Facebook friends.
What they do not know is if I could go back in time to change anything, I’d change my goals, not my life. That, and all those Christmas pics of my kids opening gifts? They are photoshopped. I photoshopped stains out of the carpet. YEP.
Some of you are like, “Don’t go.” I have to. I’m planning the reunion, not just planning to go to it. Plus I’m really trying to win Most Likely to Wear a Bathrobe to the Store.
It doesn’t matter what I am or what I do. It doesn’t matter where I’m going or where I have gone. There is no better or worse.
So did I make a wrong turn back there somewhere?
If you catch yourself comparing yourself to me at all, especially on the whole, “What are you doing?” and “Where are you going?”… like either it will give you a self-esteem, or you really need one.
I’m still going like the Energizer Bunny, sometimes busting through walls like Terry Crews in an Old Spice commercial, and other times, I’m rocking myself in tears screaming, “WHY!!!” like Nancy Kerrigan after Tonya Harding Terry Crewed her knee.
Life isn’t about being on the right path. It’s about being able to take any path you feel like taking.
I’ve been to paradise and hell. Now I’m somewhere in between like reality. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am doing it. I don’t know where I’m going from here, but that’s what makes it all exciting.
Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day
I FOUND THE PERFECT PIN FOR YOUR INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES BOARD!!!
This is part of Finish the Sentence Friday (the only thing that keeps me blogging on this blog lately).
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